Please ...

The best time to write a blog entry is not 3.10 am when you are unable to sleep because the awfulness of what someone has done to you is beginning to sink in. The awfulness is made worse because I don't want to believe it.

I don't want to believe that the person who has broken my heart, the person who I loved above all else, is the kind of person who can betray me so terribly. While seeing me suffer as my best friend lives her final days, while seeing the fear in my heart of how lonely I will feel without her, while seeing my confidence shattered through losing my job, while seeing me get weaker in spirit day after day, while seeing me battle against all my inner demons, while all the time I believed he was there for me ... he was making plans with Her to leave me.

And if that kind of cruelty isn't enough, he sent me a card with such beautiful words written on the inside ... "I will be with you through these dark days and forever. Always. " And I believed him, his words and his touch.

I know how he must have struggled with me and my dark clouds, never feeling there was room for him. I know how desperately unhappy he was with our life together as it seemed to spiral into the depths. But I also know that given time to take the white butterfly from the box, I would have regained some strength to focus on what needed to be done. Why could he not give me the gift of time when I needed it the most. Some of the forever he promised me?

So please, anyone who is still awake, who may perchance read this before my fear of such rawness in print makes me remove it, please tell me why I still love him and still would take him back in a heartbeat.

Because I just don't know.

Yours in hope and fear, AJ x