As regular readers will be aware, I am learning to drive. It has to be said though, that I find it easier to drive people up the wall than to drive a car. And there have been one or two moments within my three lessons to date that I was absolutely certain I was about to drive a car up a wall - or at least into one. Today I also nearly drove into an old lady.
It categorically wasn't my fault though, evidenced by the fact that Nice Man (my driving instructor) reached across and banged the horn at her for stepping out in front of me. (I'd like to say he flicked her a V too but I may have just imagined that.) Old lady turned to look at him, indignantly pointing down at the cobbles on the 'intelligent design' road and shouted "It's a zebra crossing". The cobbles clearly confused her. There was definitely no zebra. Not that I would have noticed as I generally prefer to keep my eyes shut when faced with anything that appears to be an obstacle.
Which is, funnily enough, a bit like my life to date. Things get difficult and I start la-la-la-ing with fingers in ears, eyes or wherever they need to be to prevent me having to pay attention to things I regard as too difficult to pay attention to. And the most difficult thing to pay attention to has been my dreams. Not my sleep time dreams, for I am a lucid dreamer and every night is movie night for me. I mean the kind of dreams I have about what I want to do, where I want to be and what I want to achieve.
I always dreamed of writing something that would move people, touch their hearts and maybe give them some hope or inspiration, make them laugh or cry, just maybe make them think. I imagined it would have to be a great novel or film script, both of which have struck me as too difficult. Too difficult because as Goethe said, Every author in some way portrays himself in his works, even if it be against his will.
The idea of revealing my soul in my writing was horrifying. What would people think of me? (What would my Mum think?) And yet, unwittingly, through the need to find a way out of the mess in my head, I have been doing just that with this blog. Now I have discovered that I am in a small way beginning to live my dream and a little part of it has been fulfilled.
I am sure some readers have been reading just to be nice to me (see Blondes blog) but some readers have been reading ... and have been moved. OK, so some may have been moved literally, in a shifting in their seat sort of way, but some have been moved to tears, some to laughter and some to both. They have been moved enough to let me know (the more testeronic correspondents making it clear they are only 'fessing up on condition they will deny it in public).
The point is, I have revealed a part of my soul and it didn't hurt too much. The reward has been greater with a connection to others that makes me feel quite, quite privileged. A little bit bursting with pride that I have lived a little of my dream that always felt too difficult and too dangerous to do.
So from now on, with both dreams and driving, I am paying attention with eyes wide open. Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy ride.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Wednesday 30 June 2010
Monday 28 June 2010
Blondes
I don't know what's happened to Little Blister, but of late she seems to be spouting little truths with such a profound manner that they stop me in my tragic-on-the-scale-of-Cathy-and-Heathcliff tracks. Not so very long ago I wouldn't have believed it possible, after all, Little Blister has always been regarded as the pretty one. And yes, I will feel a little aggrieved if she starts usurping my position as the smart one. Much as I love her, there is no way (said in voice reminiscent of nine year old me having spat with sibling) she is claiming both spots for herself.
If she wants the smart spot she can have it, but only if she shaves her unfairly thick curly blonde hair, cuts off her doesn't-need-mascara-but-uses-it-anyway-to-make-everyone-jealous eyelashes and ceases and desists with her flashing smile. That way, rats tail baby hair blonde, does need mascara and it's usually a grimace not a smile old me can claim the pretty spot. Albeit tenuously.
Anyway, back to Little Blister's truths, or at least today's truth. During one of her half-hourly phone checks (checks to ensure I'm not clawing at window panes and wailing about like a Kate Bush wannabee) I was blubbering on in my usual way about being rubbish at making friends.
It might sound a little odd to you more normal end of the spectrum folk, but I have never been very comfortable being friendly with people I don't know. Primarily because I worry that they don't really want to talk to me and that in all likelihood they are only being nice to me to be polite.
Now having written it down and committed it to public scrutiny it is clear that someone has been messing with my thought processing abilities. Particularly if you bear in mind the 'logical' conclusion I drew from such a belief was that if people like me they will ... talk to me first? Hmmm. Smart rating reduced accordingly.
And Little Blister's Little Truth? In her matter of fact manner she pointed out that some people might be nice to me because they are nice. Well. I. Never.
So tonight I sign off with a big up to nice people. There's more of you out there than I thought.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
If she wants the smart spot she can have it, but only if she shaves her unfairly thick curly blonde hair, cuts off her doesn't-need-mascara-but-uses-it-anyway-to-make-everyone-jealous eyelashes and ceases and desists with her flashing smile. That way, rats tail baby hair blonde, does need mascara and it's usually a grimace not a smile old me can claim the pretty spot. Albeit tenuously.
Anyway, back to Little Blister's truths, or at least today's truth. During one of her half-hourly phone checks (checks to ensure I'm not clawing at window panes and wailing about like a Kate Bush wannabee) I was blubbering on in my usual way about being rubbish at making friends.
It might sound a little odd to you more normal end of the spectrum folk, but I have never been very comfortable being friendly with people I don't know. Primarily because I worry that they don't really want to talk to me and that in all likelihood they are only being nice to me to be polite.
Now having written it down and committed it to public scrutiny it is clear that someone has been messing with my thought processing abilities. Particularly if you bear in mind the 'logical' conclusion I drew from such a belief was that if people like me they will ... talk to me first? Hmmm. Smart rating reduced accordingly.
And Little Blister's Little Truth? In her matter of fact manner she pointed out that some people might be nice to me because they are nice. Well. I. Never.
So tonight I sign off with a big up to nice people. There's more of you out there than I thought.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Sunday 27 June 2010
Shoelaces
This heartbreak stuff is bloody hard work. And seeing as I am of the persuasion that ducks to tie an imaginary shoelace when the call up for hard work comes along, I am not quite sure how I got offered the job. It's not even just any old job, it appears I have been selected for the role of CEO.
Therefore I am ultimately accountable for all areas of business, including Tears, Pain, Confusion, Tears, Hurt, Frustration, Sobbing, Tears, Regret, Sadness and of course the Management Consultants bought in to oversee Shattered Self Esteem, Bleakness and the rather dysfunctional What If team. Oh, and did I mention I am also in charge of Tears?
With such a demanding executive role I was quite sure my PA would have been instructed to scheduled in some appropriate training. At the very least I expected an induction day, some meet and greet sessions with key members of my management team. No? No.
No PA. No Management Team. Just me. In at the deep end. (The end for which the Tears Department has been working round the clock to ensure top quality deepness). I have now spent many days (or maybe weeks, or months, or years, I'm not entirely sure) floundering about in the deep end, definitely not waving, definitely drowning.
However I am bored with drowning now. In fact, thoroughly pissed off with it. And what I am really pissed off about is that I can't seem to get pissed off with the person who gave me this job. The Bear. Which pisses me off. Clearly his recruitment technique needs reviewing. Doesn't he realise I am not the right person for the job. I was tying my shoelaces.
And so I will return to tying my shoelaces until a better offer comes along. Preferably one that matches the job description I signed up for.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Therefore I am ultimately accountable for all areas of business, including Tears, Pain, Confusion, Tears, Hurt, Frustration, Sobbing, Tears, Regret, Sadness and of course the Management Consultants bought in to oversee Shattered Self Esteem, Bleakness and the rather dysfunctional What If team. Oh, and did I mention I am also in charge of Tears?
With such a demanding executive role I was quite sure my PA would have been instructed to scheduled in some appropriate training. At the very least I expected an induction day, some meet and greet sessions with key members of my management team. No? No.
No PA. No Management Team. Just me. In at the deep end. (The end for which the Tears Department has been working round the clock to ensure top quality deepness). I have now spent many days (or maybe weeks, or months, or years, I'm not entirely sure) floundering about in the deep end, definitely not waving, definitely drowning.
However I am bored with drowning now. In fact, thoroughly pissed off with it. And what I am really pissed off about is that I can't seem to get pissed off with the person who gave me this job. The Bear. Which pisses me off. Clearly his recruitment technique needs reviewing. Doesn't he realise I am not the right person for the job. I was tying my shoelaces.
And so I will return to tying my shoelaces until a better offer comes along. Preferably one that matches the job description I signed up for.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Saturday 26 June 2010
Nobody solves a problem like ...
I am imagining myself in the future. Some time when all this heartache is over and done with and a new man comes into my life. Maybe someone I've been friends with for a while. Someone I've worked with. Maybe even someone who has introduced me to his girlfriend a few times.
Just maybe, this new man will tell me he is unhappy in his current relationship; it's only been 15 years and the past year has been awful because his girlfriend has been so miserable and difficult to live with because she has had a really tough time. He might even try and convince me that it has been awful for 3 years, or 5 years, or 10 years. His girlfriend clearly doesn't understand him.
I quite fancy this man. I know him very well indeed, having been to the cinema with him a few times and let him cry on my shoulder (It's ok, his girlfriend knew he was at the cinema with me. As friends). Besides, I have been a bit short on the admirers front of late so if he is interested why not? His girlfriend is clearly the selfish, inconsiderate sort, making his life miserable just because she is unhappy. Some girls can be like that you know, getting all unhappy on their own.
Surely it would make perfect sense to have this man for myself? He will be much happier with me. Ooh, and how exciting - just to make sure we start out on a sound footing it would excellent if he could move in with me on the same day he leaves his 15 year relationship. I'll put his baggage in the bedroom.
You know what. I can't imagine that scenario at all.
Yours in hope and fear (and some incredulity) , AJ x
Just maybe, this new man will tell me he is unhappy in his current relationship; it's only been 15 years and the past year has been awful because his girlfriend has been so miserable and difficult to live with because she has had a really tough time. He might even try and convince me that it has been awful for 3 years, or 5 years, or 10 years. His girlfriend clearly doesn't understand him.
I quite fancy this man. I know him very well indeed, having been to the cinema with him a few times and let him cry on my shoulder (It's ok, his girlfriend knew he was at the cinema with me. As friends). Besides, I have been a bit short on the admirers front of late so if he is interested why not? His girlfriend is clearly the selfish, inconsiderate sort, making his life miserable just because she is unhappy. Some girls can be like that you know, getting all unhappy on their own.
Surely it would make perfect sense to have this man for myself? He will be much happier with me. Ooh, and how exciting - just to make sure we start out on a sound footing it would excellent if he could move in with me on the same day he leaves his 15 year relationship. I'll put his baggage in the bedroom.
You know what. I can't imagine that scenario at all.
Yours in hope and fear (and some incredulity) , AJ x
Thursday 24 June 2010
Va Va Voom
I don't know what the make or model was, but it was a car. And today, for the first time, I drove one!!! The purists among you will have to overlook the exclamation marks. because in my slightly delirious, two-glasses-of-wine-in-H's-garden-with-the-scent-of-jasmine-and-honeysuckle-to-celebrate mood I am not sure how else to express my excitement.
I imagined today's first driving lesson would be a bit of theory and some bunny-hops in a car park. I certainly hadn't anticipated being let loose on the city highways and am so very pleased with myself for having the courage to cancel Scary Woman (see earlier blog) and replace her with Nice Man (no, that isn't an oxymoron). In the space of just one hour, Nice Man gave me the biggest slab of confidence I have had in a long time. A very long time.
I didn't hop, I didn't stall, I didn't force anyone else off the road (well, no-one that either of us noticed at least). And I didn't cry. As if that wasn't enough, I have also learnt about prop shafts and clutch plates and that the accelerator doesn't actually accelerate the car. I am so huffing chuffed and pleased with myself that .... Bugger. I have forgotten what to do. Hopefully it will all come back to me with lesson number two tomorrow.
So for my first progress report today:
Learning to Drive - Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. I am.
And the rest:
Getting Thinner - Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. I am. Have thunk myself another 2lb thinner and now weigh in at 13 stone 6lbs. In truth, there hasn't been much thinking as recent events have seen my stomach replaced with a knotted pit. The sort of knotted pit that rarely accepts anything more nutritious than strong tea and the odd banana. Will have to be more careful from now on as knotted pit appears to be taking longer comfort breaks. In the past 24 hrs I have managed to eat a pasty and a coleslaw sandwich and some roast beef and yorkshire pudding crisps.
Considering a Career - Still at consideration stage but did buy Writer's Handbook 2011. That way I can research what I want to do while considering everything else.
Getting Out More - Yes. Even went out in a car today.
Being Terribly Naughty - Apart from that really good pasty I am doing ok. As for the bitch-twitches, I have only had those I am entitled to under the circumstances. I caught sight of one in the mirror today and braced myself ready to tackle the frown.
So I took a peek and rather unexpectedly there was a long lost pretty face smiling back at me, with a hint of va va voom. She asked me to consider the notion that it just might be his loss, not mine.
Yours with more hope and less fear, AJ x
I imagined today's first driving lesson would be a bit of theory and some bunny-hops in a car park. I certainly hadn't anticipated being let loose on the city highways and am so very pleased with myself for having the courage to cancel Scary Woman (see earlier blog) and replace her with Nice Man (no, that isn't an oxymoron). In the space of just one hour, Nice Man gave me the biggest slab of confidence I have had in a long time. A very long time.
I didn't hop, I didn't stall, I didn't force anyone else off the road (well, no-one that either of us noticed at least). And I didn't cry. As if that wasn't enough, I have also learnt about prop shafts and clutch plates and that the accelerator doesn't actually accelerate the car. I am so huffing chuffed and pleased with myself that .... Bugger. I have forgotten what to do. Hopefully it will all come back to me with lesson number two tomorrow.
So for my first progress report today:
Learning to Drive - Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. I am.
And the rest:
Getting Thinner - Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. I am. Have thunk myself another 2lb thinner and now weigh in at 13 stone 6lbs. In truth, there hasn't been much thinking as recent events have seen my stomach replaced with a knotted pit. The sort of knotted pit that rarely accepts anything more nutritious than strong tea and the odd banana. Will have to be more careful from now on as knotted pit appears to be taking longer comfort breaks. In the past 24 hrs I have managed to eat a pasty and a coleslaw sandwich and some roast beef and yorkshire pudding crisps.
Considering a Career - Still at consideration stage but did buy Writer's Handbook 2011. That way I can research what I want to do while considering everything else.
Getting Out More - Yes. Even went out in a car today.
Being Terribly Naughty - Apart from that really good pasty I am doing ok. As for the bitch-twitches, I have only had those I am entitled to under the circumstances. I caught sight of one in the mirror today and braced myself ready to tackle the frown.
So I took a peek and rather unexpectedly there was a long lost pretty face smiling back at me, with a hint of va va voom. She asked me to consider the notion that it just might be his loss, not mine.
Yours with more hope and less fear, AJ x
Monday 21 June 2010
101
Today someone rather audaciously said I was fortunate. They took their life in their hands I can assure you. Because hell yeah, I feel so frickin' fortunate. Just sit tight and imagine for a moment, if you can, what you might feel like if your top three dearest, closest and most loved companions in your life's journey all left your life in the space of six months. One after another. Gone. The people that between them had the keys to your soul and all that it holds within - your darkest fears, your secret joys, years of shared memories and dreams for the future. The people that define you in their reflection of you. And while you're enjoying this good fortune, go for broke and add in an unexpected and undeserved job loss. Oh, and a dash of depression and anxiety for good measure. Give it all a little shake and really imagine just how darned fortunate you feel.
Not for one moment do I expect you to succeed. Even if you can imagine the parts it just isn't possible to imagine the simultaneous whole. I know I can't and I am living it. My own personal nightmare.
So woe is fucking me. Right?
Wrong (with a big dinging 'ng' sound at the end if you please). Because you know, despite the agonies and pain I feel now, my heart still beats. Barely. But it is still beating. CPR is being administered. Ministering to my sadness and confusion is host of family, friends and even acquaintances, all offering shoulders, ears, tea, tissues and kind words as required. Sometimes even the odd scolding as necessary. A big, busy host of helpers. And amongst that host of helpers, doing their duty and helping out where they can - ok, perhaps not quite as brilliantly as the others, but diligent and persevering nonetheless - is one little soul whose dedication I all too often overlook.
That little soul is me. The me that opens my heart and lets others in, even when I desperately want to close the door. The me that keeps me feeling because she knows there is one thing more difficult for a human being to bear than unbearable pain. And that is no pain. To have no pain, to be numb, empty and cold, well therein would be my room 101.
So today's blog ends with a sincere hope that you are all as fortunate as me. And if there is anyone who thinks they aren't, think a little harder. After all, I am still here, heart beating.
Yours still with hope gone but with a little less fear, AJ x
Not for one moment do I expect you to succeed. Even if you can imagine the parts it just isn't possible to imagine the simultaneous whole. I know I can't and I am living it. My own personal nightmare.
So woe is fucking me. Right?
Wrong (with a big dinging 'ng' sound at the end if you please). Because you know, despite the agonies and pain I feel now, my heart still beats. Barely. But it is still beating. CPR is being administered. Ministering to my sadness and confusion is host of family, friends and even acquaintances, all offering shoulders, ears, tea, tissues and kind words as required. Sometimes even the odd scolding as necessary. A big, busy host of helpers. And amongst that host of helpers, doing their duty and helping out where they can - ok, perhaps not quite as brilliantly as the others, but diligent and persevering nonetheless - is one little soul whose dedication I all too often overlook.
That little soul is me. The me that opens my heart and lets others in, even when I desperately want to close the door. The me that keeps me feeling because she knows there is one thing more difficult for a human being to bear than unbearable pain. And that is no pain. To have no pain, to be numb, empty and cold, well therein would be my room 101.
So today's blog ends with a sincere hope that you are all as fortunate as me. And if there is anyone who thinks they aren't, think a little harder. After all, I am still here, heart beating.
Yours still with hope gone but with a little less fear, AJ x
Saturday 19 June 2010
Final Whistle
I had a long blog. Some explanation of why no posts for some days. But it was too raw. Put simply I have discovered that The Bear, whom I always believed loyal and honest beyond reproach, is not just leaving me - which is painful enough - but in fact has been playing away from home and already has someone lined up to take my place. The footballer in him has someone sitting on the reserves' bench ready to replace me... and all that pain and humiliation because during my darkest days I took my eye off the ball.
We once played such a beautiful game, what a pity Team Orange wasn't up the challenges of extra time.
Yours with hope gone and full of fear, AJ x
We once played such a beautiful game, what a pity Team Orange wasn't up the challenges of extra time.
Yours with hope gone and full of fear, AJ x
Friday 18 June 2010
Snide Aside
Just like to draw attention to my blog subtitle, that not everyone on the brink finds the will to change. Some lack courage and simply run away.
In hope and fear, AJ x
In hope and fear, AJ x
Thursday 17 June 2010
Planning
I have never been a great one for planning ahead as I have always preferred spontaneity. At least that's what I thought. However it actually resulted in me spontaneously doing very little except thinking about what I might do later. Hmm. Clearly that isn't the way forward.
It's just planning stuff seemed to me, well, boring. And difficult. How could I agree to go for lunch with a friend in five days time when in five days time I might not fancy lunch, or that particular friend come to that. Far better to not plan anything and do nothing. Right?
Der. Wrong. Frickin' Henry. Where have I been? Yes, of course, there is always something delightful about a spontaneous event but I have been missing the subtle charms - and the structure - that a little advance planning provides. The looking forward to something feeling.
I am not going to beat myself up about how things have been to date. I am a sucker for history and the past and reminiscing, as many of us are. But combined with major depression it led me to desperately fight against the natural order of things, mourning the past while only dreaming of the future. My future dreams were never acted on; always put on hold by that debilitating lethargy that is the handmaid of depression.
Lucky for me I have managed to poke that handmaid in the eye with my I've-had-enough-of-you stick, so she can shuff off. I think actually it was The Bear's I've-had-enough-of-you stick, but an eye-poking stick is an eye-poking stick and it seems to have done the job.
Life moves forward and I have learnt of late that it is as well to move forward with it. We can all keep our ability to once in a while do something spontaneous and charming and exciting. It's just better to plan for it.
Onwards and upwards, the directions in which I am now planning to go.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
It's just planning stuff seemed to me, well, boring. And difficult. How could I agree to go for lunch with a friend in five days time when in five days time I might not fancy lunch, or that particular friend come to that. Far better to not plan anything and do nothing. Right?
Der. Wrong. Frickin' Henry. Where have I been? Yes, of course, there is always something delightful about a spontaneous event but I have been missing the subtle charms - and the structure - that a little advance planning provides. The looking forward to something feeling.
I am not going to beat myself up about how things have been to date. I am a sucker for history and the past and reminiscing, as many of us are. But combined with major depression it led me to desperately fight against the natural order of things, mourning the past while only dreaming of the future. My future dreams were never acted on; always put on hold by that debilitating lethargy that is the handmaid of depression.
Lucky for me I have managed to poke that handmaid in the eye with my I've-had-enough-of-you stick, so she can shuff off. I think actually it was The Bear's I've-had-enough-of-you stick, but an eye-poking stick is an eye-poking stick and it seems to have done the job.
Life moves forward and I have learnt of late that it is as well to move forward with it. We can all keep our ability to once in a while do something spontaneous and charming and exciting. It's just better to plan for it.
Onwards and upwards, the directions in which I am now planning to go.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Wednesday 16 June 2010
Progress Report
Learning to Drive - Oh my. I've only gone and booked my first driving lesson. My provisional licence arrived today and excited as I am it must be said I am terribly disappointed the DVLA felt the need to mess around with my photo. I clearly remember taking maximum permitted previews in the photo booth to ensure I didn't look too much like the back end of a bus. It might sound vain, but I have to live with the fact I am whatever the opposite of photogenic is.
So I made sure I sent the DVLA a reasonably acceptable photo. And they put it through some dehumanising process and now I am stuck with a licence that makes me looked like a photofit. With a wonky mouth. Pfft.
Then I had to book a lesson. Two recommended instructors fully booked until August so I had to get on the tinterweb. Although I desperately tried to convince myself that just because the website is bad doesn't mean the instructor is, it did take a while to find a company that pleased both my online aesthetics and my financial status. Finally found one that mentioned 'patient' quite a lot, which seemed perfect. I phoned, it rang, they answered. And I swear it was the photofit girl on the other end of the line. Greeted by a gruff " 'Ullo" I tried not to stutter as my brain screamed 'hang up, hang up, they'll never know who you are'. But I didn't. I am in persevering mode and just maybe my new driving instructor was having a bad day. I'll let you know next Friday.
Getting Thinner - Woop woop. Another 2lb thinner, so 13 stone 8lbs now. Celebrated with a home made burger and fries. With salad of course.
Considering a Career - Tried to call about career change job today (as I promised New Friend yesterday) but was told it had 'expired'. Whatever that means it probably means it's not the job for me. So I responded to a more my line of work role and phoned to enquire whether that the fact I am a PC wasn't a deal-breaker (I couldn't work out from the job listing whether 'PC/Mac literate' meant either or both). It wasn't a deal-breaker so CV will be wending its merry way in the next day or so. Depending on the sunshine.
Getting Out More - Little to report as I haven't been out since Sunday. Well, not out, socialising out anyway. But I have been out of the house on daily dog walks, trips to the shop and to post letters. And today I went on a bus for the second time in as many weeks. Buses are cleaner than I remember and It's quite interesting listening to schoolgirls talk about who they are going to punch next week.
Being Terribly Naughty - The reverse psychology seems to work. My good habits are beginning to feel normal. OK, so I still have the odd bitch-twitch tantrumette that I have to quell, but I a) spot them coming and b)feel good about ignoring them.
And I've been smiling for about 5 days now.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
So I made sure I sent the DVLA a reasonably acceptable photo. And they put it through some dehumanising process and now I am stuck with a licence that makes me looked like a photofit. With a wonky mouth. Pfft.
Then I had to book a lesson. Two recommended instructors fully booked until August so I had to get on the tinterweb. Although I desperately tried to convince myself that just because the website is bad doesn't mean the instructor is, it did take a while to find a company that pleased both my online aesthetics and my financial status. Finally found one that mentioned 'patient' quite a lot, which seemed perfect. I phoned, it rang, they answered. And I swear it was the photofit girl on the other end of the line. Greeted by a gruff " 'Ullo" I tried not to stutter as my brain screamed 'hang up, hang up, they'll never know who you are'. But I didn't. I am in persevering mode and just maybe my new driving instructor was having a bad day. I'll let you know next Friday.
Getting Thinner - Woop woop. Another 2lb thinner, so 13 stone 8lbs now. Celebrated with a home made burger and fries. With salad of course.
Considering a Career - Tried to call about career change job today (as I promised New Friend yesterday) but was told it had 'expired'. Whatever that means it probably means it's not the job for me. So I responded to a more my line of work role and phoned to enquire whether that the fact I am a PC wasn't a deal-breaker (I couldn't work out from the job listing whether 'PC/Mac literate' meant either or both). It wasn't a deal-breaker so CV will be wending its merry way in the next day or so. Depending on the sunshine.
Getting Out More - Little to report as I haven't been out since Sunday. Well, not out, socialising out anyway. But I have been out of the house on daily dog walks, trips to the shop and to post letters. And today I went on a bus for the second time in as many weeks. Buses are cleaner than I remember and It's quite interesting listening to schoolgirls talk about who they are going to punch next week.
Being Terribly Naughty - The reverse psychology seems to work. My good habits are beginning to feel normal. OK, so I still have the odd bitch-twitch tantrumette that I have to quell, but I a) spot them coming and b)feel good about ignoring them.
And I've been smiling for about 5 days now.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Tuesday 15 June 2010
Provisions
I have heard it say that the Universe will provide. And it certainly came through for me today. The morning started bright enough at 5:50 am, so I had a lie in until 6:40 am before giving in to the big brown eyes and wet noses that surrounded me with their limitless enthusiasm for a morning walk. Glorious sunshine, birdsong and about 100 sweaty men were my reward. And having to pull some grass out of Bob's bum with a dock leaf.
On returning home, I could feel my positivity slipping and a little sadness overcoming me - probably because I was trawling through job sites in order to progress my Considering a Career - and I must confess, I lost the battle and went back to sleep. Because as I have said before, and felt it today, sometimes dreaming seems preferable to filling the hours with distractions.
Luckily though, when I awoke one and a half hours later it struck me that perhaps I had just been tired because the spring returned to my step. (Incidentally, a sleep cycle lasts one and a half hours so if you sleep in multiples of that then you won't feel groggy when you wake. In terms of a good night's sleep that means you will feel better for sleeping six hours than you will seven; or seven and a half rather than eight. Try it, works for me every time.)
So I zipped around, sorting paperwork, washing curtains, drinking coffee, dusting and generally being a domestic goddess while keeping half an eye on the Ivory Coast in the hope they would wup ruddy Portugal (because I still haven't forgiven Portugal for wupping Holland with a shed load of cheatin' last time around).
Now this blog may seem to be going nowhere, but you see, after a slow start, my faith returned enough to move me forward. Then The Lodger came home from work, bright and cheery and up for a beer and a chat. And only minutes later, H paid a surprise visit too. So my last hour of the working day was spent sitting in the sunshine, drinking sloe gin and lemonade and chatting, laughing and enjoying the company of two very lovely people.
As they departed, The Bear arrived home and whether tired or just not happy at being home, his mood wasn't exactly perky. In a previous life this would have bothered me into a mood myself, but not now. It is strange to observe oneself when undergoing behaviour changes, feels a little surreal and perversely interesting, but nonetheless he eased up and relaxed and we enjoyed a few laughs at my football punditry whilst watching Brazil and North Korea - I remarked on the Das Boot officer likeness way before Adrian Chiles mentioned it. Then I received a phone call from a New Friend.
New Friend revived me further with her chatter, enthusiasm and joy that is almost equal to that of BBGs in thrall of a potential walk. And so yes, as promised New Friend, I will be phoning to enquire about that job tomorrow.
You see folks, I stayed with the programme and Universe did provide. Some good dollops of unexpected friendship just when I needed it.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
On returning home, I could feel my positivity slipping and a little sadness overcoming me - probably because I was trawling through job sites in order to progress my Considering a Career - and I must confess, I lost the battle and went back to sleep. Because as I have said before, and felt it today, sometimes dreaming seems preferable to filling the hours with distractions.
Luckily though, when I awoke one and a half hours later it struck me that perhaps I had just been tired because the spring returned to my step. (Incidentally, a sleep cycle lasts one and a half hours so if you sleep in multiples of that then you won't feel groggy when you wake. In terms of a good night's sleep that means you will feel better for sleeping six hours than you will seven; or seven and a half rather than eight. Try it, works for me every time.)
So I zipped around, sorting paperwork, washing curtains, drinking coffee, dusting and generally being a domestic goddess while keeping half an eye on the Ivory Coast in the hope they would wup ruddy Portugal (because I still haven't forgiven Portugal for wupping Holland with a shed load of cheatin' last time around).
Now this blog may seem to be going nowhere, but you see, after a slow start, my faith returned enough to move me forward. Then The Lodger came home from work, bright and cheery and up for a beer and a chat. And only minutes later, H paid a surprise visit too. So my last hour of the working day was spent sitting in the sunshine, drinking sloe gin and lemonade and chatting, laughing and enjoying the company of two very lovely people.
As they departed, The Bear arrived home and whether tired or just not happy at being home, his mood wasn't exactly perky. In a previous life this would have bothered me into a mood myself, but not now. It is strange to observe oneself when undergoing behaviour changes, feels a little surreal and perversely interesting, but nonetheless he eased up and relaxed and we enjoyed a few laughs at my football punditry whilst watching Brazil and North Korea - I remarked on the Das Boot officer likeness way before Adrian Chiles mentioned it. Then I received a phone call from a New Friend.
New Friend revived me further with her chatter, enthusiasm and joy that is almost equal to that of BBGs in thrall of a potential walk. And so yes, as promised New Friend, I will be phoning to enquire about that job tomorrow.
You see folks, I stayed with the programme and Universe did provide. Some good dollops of unexpected friendship just when I needed it.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Monday 14 June 2010
No Pain, No Gain
Today. Weird day. A weekday, no job, no money and all 'pity friends' - as Little Blister called them - are working. Non-pity friend (i.e. Bear) was also at home today as Holland played their first World Cup game. Draped in fruity coloured football paraphernalia and looking like a big Dutch satsuma sitting in the lounge, it was impossible not to take a photograph of him.
Photograph is now showing on Facebook, much to the delight of his recently-back-in-touch Dutch best friend who is excitedly posting messages to Bear at a rate most of us (except Little Blister of course) couldn't keep up with. Incidentally, this friend is the self-same 'best friend' who on our first introduction blanked me, because he thought I was 'stealing' Bear from him. Never mind that Bear was happy. Just the kind of best friend you need really.
Well 'Dutch best friend' (DBF) is undoubtedly concentrated joy at the thought I am discarded, so he has come sniffling back to his former playmate. And if I sound a little bitter, it's because I am. Well, annoyed at least. Annoyed at those kind of friends that make enemies unnecessary. I would never deliberately hurt Bear (even if I could) and feel awful that I have inadvertently done so at points in our journey together. Understandably in many ways, I am now paying the price. Yet DBF can behave like a right 'see you next Tuesday', be downright rude to Bear's new girlfriend, not contact Bear for years and yet not so much as a hint of a frown crosses Bear's face. I don't understand, does anyone else?
But I digress (I told you I did). Today's 2-0 victory for Holland did bring a smile to Bear's face and a few woop-woops could be heard throughout the game, yes, even above the incessant drone of the vuvuzelas. But then he did the ironing, which resulted in me wandering off for a football siesta and his general good humour dipping a little on my return an hour or so later. So to inject some more light entertainment into the day, Bear showed me how to do lunges (I did ask) ... and now my legs hurt (he kept that bit quiet).
However, I have completed a full set of exercises today - an hour walking the dogs; 10 x 4 biceps thingies; 10 x 4 bingo wing thingies; 10 x 4 crunches (crunchies would have been nicer) and 10 x 4 leg lifting thingies to work on the lower abdominals. But I only managed 3 x 5 lunges for thigh/bum toning and then discovered my legs didn't work properly.
Which makes me think, perhaps therein lies the reason why DBF didn't work properly on the friendship front ... no-one warned him about the bits that hurt.
Seems that exercise is good for the brain too.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Photograph is now showing on Facebook, much to the delight of his recently-back-in-touch Dutch best friend who is excitedly posting messages to Bear at a rate most of us (except Little Blister of course) couldn't keep up with. Incidentally, this friend is the self-same 'best friend' who on our first introduction blanked me, because he thought I was 'stealing' Bear from him. Never mind that Bear was happy. Just the kind of best friend you need really.
Well 'Dutch best friend' (DBF) is undoubtedly concentrated joy at the thought I am discarded, so he has come sniffling back to his former playmate. And if I sound a little bitter, it's because I am. Well, annoyed at least. Annoyed at those kind of friends that make enemies unnecessary. I would never deliberately hurt Bear (even if I could) and feel awful that I have inadvertently done so at points in our journey together. Understandably in many ways, I am now paying the price. Yet DBF can behave like a right 'see you next Tuesday', be downright rude to Bear's new girlfriend, not contact Bear for years and yet not so much as a hint of a frown crosses Bear's face. I don't understand, does anyone else?
But I digress (I told you I did). Today's 2-0 victory for Holland did bring a smile to Bear's face and a few woop-woops could be heard throughout the game, yes, even above the incessant drone of the vuvuzelas. But then he did the ironing, which resulted in me wandering off for a football siesta and his general good humour dipping a little on my return an hour or so later. So to inject some more light entertainment into the day, Bear showed me how to do lunges (I did ask) ... and now my legs hurt (he kept that bit quiet).
However, I have completed a full set of exercises today - an hour walking the dogs; 10 x 4 biceps thingies; 10 x 4 bingo wing thingies; 10 x 4 crunches (crunchies would have been nicer) and 10 x 4 leg lifting thingies to work on the lower abdominals. But I only managed 3 x 5 lunges for thigh/bum toning and then discovered my legs didn't work properly.
Which makes me think, perhaps therein lies the reason why DBF didn't work properly on the friendship front ... no-one warned him about the bits that hurt.
Seems that exercise is good for the brain too.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Sunday 13 June 2010
Doh!
Getting Thinner - status update
Just a note for those as dumb as me ... BBQ's do not assist with thin thinking. Sausages are not brain food. Yes, I had some salad, but it only managed to manoeuvre itself into the position of accessory to Reggae Reggae steak, melted cheese and garlic mushrooms. So I won't be getting on the scales in the next few days.
Must eat sardines tomorrow as fishy penance.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Just a note for those as dumb as me ... BBQ's do not assist with thin thinking. Sausages are not brain food. Yes, I had some salad, but it only managed to manoeuvre itself into the position of accessory to Reggae Reggae steak, melted cheese and garlic mushrooms. So I won't be getting on the scales in the next few days.
Must eat sardines tomorrow as fishy penance.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Saturday 12 June 2010
Soap Story
For me, blogging is like eating Pringles. Once I start it's difficult to stop but sometimes the thought of starting makes me feel a little nauseous. Blogging doesn't actually make me feel sick, but it does sometimes make my stomach churn a little because I am never sure if I am going to write about things I might regret writing about. Like this for example. Love. Or rather, the dangers of the Love Bubble.
I am sure many of you know the feeling of being crazily in love (and for those of you who have yet to experience it, it does feel pretty good), when you and the chosen one are in total agreement that no-one else could love each other quite as much as you do. Nor could anyone else's love be as special/magical/intuitive/deep/ethereal/passionate/sublime/supernatural/destined/eternal as yours (delete as applicable).
And that enormous, crazy Love Bubble keeps you floating along merrily for quite some time. And even as time passes and merrily turns to comfortably, the Love Bubble memories sustain you. After all. Your love is special/magical/intuitive/deep/ethereal/passionate/sublime/supernatural/destined/eternal as yours (delete as applicable).
It is very hard to burst that Love Bubble, with it's shiny, sparkly and impenetrable skin. It takes something very unpleasant to burst it, to pop it in an instant and watch it disappear in a flash of disintegrating rainbow drops. I am sure your imagination can conjure up some thoroughly unpleasant scenario that just might do the trick, and I am equally sure that it can't happen to you and your chosen one because your love is special ... et cetera ... et cetera.
But now for the bad news. That enormous Love Bubble can shrink. Deflate. And so slowly, so imperceptibly you may not notice. Days, months and years can go by, and little by unnoticed little the Love Bubble lets out a sigh here and there, getting smaller and weaker every time you or your chosen one forget to breathe love into it. It might be forgetting a kind word, it might be forgetting to show you care, it just might be forgetting for a brief moment that the chosen one is the one you fell in love with. Each moment of forgetfulness or carelessness is one less breath of love for your bubble.
One day you wake up. One day the chosen one wakes up. And with horror it dawns that your Love Bubble is no longer what you remembered. You stare in disbelief at the sorry little soap sud at your feet and wonder who could do such a thing. Aha! It must be the chosen one's fault! They have been careless, they have been forgetful ... damn them, let battle commence.
So filled with bitterness, hurt and anger, the recriminations and pained silences begin. But wait for a moment, look a little harder. There is still a sorry little soap sud at your feet. A tiny little bubble, little more than a memory, devastated from its former glory and weakened through neglect. But still there. Waiting for someone to breathe love again.
This week, I will be mainly breathing.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
I am sure many of you know the feeling of being crazily in love (and for those of you who have yet to experience it, it does feel pretty good), when you and the chosen one are in total agreement that no-one else could love each other quite as much as you do. Nor could anyone else's love be as special/magical/intuitive/deep/ethereal/passionate/sublime/supernatural/destined/eternal as yours (delete as applicable).
And that enormous, crazy Love Bubble keeps you floating along merrily for quite some time. And even as time passes and merrily turns to comfortably, the Love Bubble memories sustain you. After all. Your love is special/magical/intuitive/deep/ethereal/passionate/sublime/supernatural/destined/eternal as yours (delete as applicable).
It is very hard to burst that Love Bubble, with it's shiny, sparkly and impenetrable skin. It takes something very unpleasant to burst it, to pop it in an instant and watch it disappear in a flash of disintegrating rainbow drops. I am sure your imagination can conjure up some thoroughly unpleasant scenario that just might do the trick, and I am equally sure that it can't happen to you and your chosen one because your love is special ... et cetera ... et cetera.
But now for the bad news. That enormous Love Bubble can shrink. Deflate. And so slowly, so imperceptibly you may not notice. Days, months and years can go by, and little by unnoticed little the Love Bubble lets out a sigh here and there, getting smaller and weaker every time you or your chosen one forget to breathe love into it. It might be forgetting a kind word, it might be forgetting to show you care, it just might be forgetting for a brief moment that the chosen one is the one you fell in love with. Each moment of forgetfulness or carelessness is one less breath of love for your bubble.
One day you wake up. One day the chosen one wakes up. And with horror it dawns that your Love Bubble is no longer what you remembered. You stare in disbelief at the sorry little soap sud at your feet and wonder who could do such a thing. Aha! It must be the chosen one's fault! They have been careless, they have been forgetful ... damn them, let battle commence.
So filled with bitterness, hurt and anger, the recriminations and pained silences begin. But wait for a moment, look a little harder. There is still a sorry little soap sud at your feet. A tiny little bubble, little more than a memory, devastated from its former glory and weakened through neglect. But still there. Waiting for someone to breathe love again.
This week, I will be mainly breathing.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Birdsong
Good morning. It's 7.30 am on World Cup Saturday and the sun isn't quite shining but the birds are singing. And the birds sing so beautifully before the traffic and the people and the general business of daily life takes over.
I just want to encourage you all to make time for an early morning sometime soon. Sit in the garden or on your balcony or even by an open window and just listen. If you listen carefully enough you just might hear your heart sing along with the birdsong.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
I just want to encourage you all to make time for an early morning sometime soon. Sit in the garden or on your balcony or even by an open window and just listen. If you listen carefully enough you just might hear your heart sing along with the birdsong.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Friday 11 June 2010
A Juicy Hue
Rumour has it that H is bored with seeing Crockabillies as the latest post. I concur. So if anyone out there has some useful copy for my blog then feel free to send it over. It will serve as back up for the days when I am so busy with my tasks that I seem to leave no time to blog. Which quite frankly isn't good enough and as H pointed out today, I don't want to flake out on Project: Life Changing just at the point it is getting interesting. Well, for those who are interested anyway. So, status updates:
Learning to Drive - No news. Well. Not much. Have decided to go for manual option (reserving the right to switch to automatic if it transpires I am totally crap at clutch work). No provisional licence in post yet. But then I haven't had any bills either, so that's good. And will be off to BSM in the next week or so to have a little play on their driving simulator as Mario Kart on the Wii isn't up to the job.
Getting Thinner - Thinking thin is working, despite the celebratory indulgence of two glasses of wine and half a bag of paprika ribble chips. I am now down to 13 stone 10lbs. OK, so perhaps without the indulgence I may have made it 13 stone 9lbs, but I''ll just think a little harder over the weekend to make up for it
Being Terribly Naughty - Indeed. So naughty I can barely recall the last time I had any good thoughts. I appreciate this endeavour may not make much sense to anyone who has joined in part way through this blog, so I'll have to refer you to my earlier posts. Start at the beginning would be my suggestion.
Considering a Career - Oh yes. Well and truly. Had my last official day in the office today and wow it felt good. It felt good like a whole heap of crap sliding off my shoulders. Ok, so there was a tearful moment or two at the goodbye stage as it was certainly my favouritest job to date and with the best cast of characters I have ever had the joy to work with. But I can sneak back in now and again (with cake) when Mr Button is off being strategic. Or shaving.
Getting Out More - Big up to me for this one. Big up to you know who you are for helping out. Pubs, walks with the dogs, coffees, lunches, gigs, shopping, hanging out and making 'phone calls to arrange stuff. Even a little overseas trip in the offing. Which will involve a plane. Erm. Gulp.
Now I think I can safely say, things are progressing well. Just have to keep up the momentum. But I am going to allow myself a week or two of R&R as I can honestly say I haven't felt this happy inside for ... well, perhaps a year or two. I am genuinely excited about what is to come and yet only a week or two ago I couldn't imagine feeling any kind of happiness again.
Things aren't exactly peachy, but there is something tantalising about what the future might hold. And whilst said future might not be as orange as I would like, from where I am today it's definitely looking brighter.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Learning to Drive - No news. Well. Not much. Have decided to go for manual option (reserving the right to switch to automatic if it transpires I am totally crap at clutch work). No provisional licence in post yet. But then I haven't had any bills either, so that's good. And will be off to BSM in the next week or so to have a little play on their driving simulator as Mario Kart on the Wii isn't up to the job.
Getting Thinner - Thinking thin is working, despite the celebratory indulgence of two glasses of wine and half a bag of paprika ribble chips. I am now down to 13 stone 10lbs. OK, so perhaps without the indulgence I may have made it 13 stone 9lbs, but I''ll just think a little harder over the weekend to make up for it
Being Terribly Naughty - Indeed. So naughty I can barely recall the last time I had any good thoughts. I appreciate this endeavour may not make much sense to anyone who has joined in part way through this blog, so I'll have to refer you to my earlier posts. Start at the beginning would be my suggestion.
Considering a Career - Oh yes. Well and truly. Had my last official day in the office today and wow it felt good. It felt good like a whole heap of crap sliding off my shoulders. Ok, so there was a tearful moment or two at the goodbye stage as it was certainly my favouritest job to date and with the best cast of characters I have ever had the joy to work with. But I can sneak back in now and again (with cake) when Mr Button is off being strategic. Or shaving.
Getting Out More - Big up to me for this one. Big up to you know who you are for helping out. Pubs, walks with the dogs, coffees, lunches, gigs, shopping, hanging out and making 'phone calls to arrange stuff. Even a little overseas trip in the offing. Which will involve a plane. Erm. Gulp.
Now I think I can safely say, things are progressing well. Just have to keep up the momentum. But I am going to allow myself a week or two of R&R as I can honestly say I haven't felt this happy inside for ... well, perhaps a year or two. I am genuinely excited about what is to come and yet only a week or two ago I couldn't imagine feeling any kind of happiness again.
Things aren't exactly peachy, but there is something tantalising about what the future might hold. And whilst said future might not be as orange as I would like, from where I am today it's definitely looking brighter.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Saturday 5 June 2010
Crockabillies
Slightly ashamed that barely a couple of weeks of blogging has gone by and I have already missed a day. But that is a good thing because it means I have been focusing on one of my other life changing policies, Getting Out More.
Until I hit the brink I hadn't realised quite how dark the place I had got to was. It was only seeing the terrible effect it had on Bear that made me see just how heavy those dark clouds had become. A sort of Epiphany moment dawned and I understand now that one person can't make you happy if you are not happy within yourself. For too long I had wanted Bear to make me happy and he floundered - as would most people - under the impossibility of the task.
Fortunately, despite what now appears to have been a self-imposed moratorium on happiness, I am beginning to appreciate that if I feel happier with myself then others can enjoy my happiness too. And that first step back to a happy place has been taken by saying 'yes' instead of 'no' Which is ok as I am NOT Samantha, despite what Little Blister might think.
So on Friday I said 'yes' to a viewing of SATC at Harbour Lights with H. And on Saturday I said 'yes' to a rocking night out at the Soul Cellar. And, despite feeling a little blurry round the edges, it was following a 'yes' to the Sunday walk with the BBGs, Zoom-Zooms (BBGs English Bull Terrier buddy) and Pete (Zoom-Zooms' English Bull Human, my buddy) that he mentioned the phrase 'Crockabilly'. Homage to the forty-somethings that still enjoy bouncing, bobbing or just plain old foot-tapping to a certain style of sound.
So last night, with a few Smirnoff Ice's under my new belt, I took the plunge and and aimed for a great night out. Not quite a bullseye shot as I couldn't help missing the Bear, but boy did the Black Cat Boppers rock and Mr de La-Loi croon. And I nearly sprained my ankle trying to foot-tap with boots that kept sticking to the beer soaked floor. I laughed a lot too. Which felt unusual.
Now in future perhaps, when the dark clouds look set to gather, I can remind myself that even when your heart is heavy it's worth saying 'yes'. Especially to night out with the Crockabillies.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Until I hit the brink I hadn't realised quite how dark the place I had got to was. It was only seeing the terrible effect it had on Bear that made me see just how heavy those dark clouds had become. A sort of Epiphany moment dawned and I understand now that one person can't make you happy if you are not happy within yourself. For too long I had wanted Bear to make me happy and he floundered - as would most people - under the impossibility of the task.
Fortunately, despite what now appears to have been a self-imposed moratorium on happiness, I am beginning to appreciate that if I feel happier with myself then others can enjoy my happiness too. And that first step back to a happy place has been taken by saying 'yes' instead of 'no' Which is ok as I am NOT Samantha, despite what Little Blister might think.
So on Friday I said 'yes' to a viewing of SATC at Harbour Lights with H. And on Saturday I said 'yes' to a rocking night out at the Soul Cellar. And, despite feeling a little blurry round the edges, it was following a 'yes' to the Sunday walk with the BBGs, Zoom-Zooms (BBGs English Bull Terrier buddy) and Pete (Zoom-Zooms' English Bull Human, my buddy) that he mentioned the phrase 'Crockabilly'. Homage to the forty-somethings that still enjoy bouncing, bobbing or just plain old foot-tapping to a certain style of sound.
So last night, with a few Smirnoff Ice's under my new belt, I took the plunge and and aimed for a great night out. Not quite a bullseye shot as I couldn't help missing the Bear, but boy did the Black Cat Boppers rock and Mr de La-Loi croon. And I nearly sprained my ankle trying to foot-tap with boots that kept sticking to the beer soaked floor. I laughed a lot too. Which felt unusual.
Now in future perhaps, when the dark clouds look set to gather, I can remind myself that even when your heart is heavy it's worth saying 'yes'. Especially to night out with the Crockabillies.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Thursday 3 June 2010
Manifestations
Recalling the Boots advert from one New Year campaign or other, some of you may be concerned that I am taking too much on at once. And some of you might not care. But just to be clear, I'm not.
What I am doing is putting my wish list, my goals, my targets or whatever you like to call them in a place where they can remind me daily of what I want to achieve. The trouble with me in the past is that the wish list has stayed in my head and therefore been subjected to that drunken jockey I referred to in an earlier post. Which has resulted in things becoming, well, befuddled. By putting the wishes out into the real world they will hopefully become more manifest and I will be able to look on them admiringly as they do their thing and give me the courage to admire myself for taking on the challenge. And that makes me feel good.
So, to add to the list (currently consisting of Learning to Drive, Getting Thinner, Being Terribly Naughty) today I am presenting you with Considering a Career. This is a thinly veiled reference to getting a job. I haven't made a decision on what to do next and need to start giving it some serious consideration as I do currently have a job but am due to be made redundant on 3 August. I am not going gently into that good place (despite pompous ass dog walker today saying he once had the option to challenge redundancy but felt it was 'more appropriate to get on with his life'. Pfft.) but am not able to elaborate at present due to secret stuff, which blogs aren't very good for. But. I do have some considerations for the future up my sleeve and when they start to manifest I can share them.
For now I just need the wish out there. As I said.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
What I am doing is putting my wish list, my goals, my targets or whatever you like to call them in a place where they can remind me daily of what I want to achieve. The trouble with me in the past is that the wish list has stayed in my head and therefore been subjected to that drunken jockey I referred to in an earlier post. Which has resulted in things becoming, well, befuddled. By putting the wishes out into the real world they will hopefully become more manifest and I will be able to look on them admiringly as they do their thing and give me the courage to admire myself for taking on the challenge. And that makes me feel good.
So, to add to the list (currently consisting of Learning to Drive, Getting Thinner, Being Terribly Naughty) today I am presenting you with Considering a Career. This is a thinly veiled reference to getting a job. I haven't made a decision on what to do next and need to start giving it some serious consideration as I do currently have a job but am due to be made redundant on 3 August. I am not going gently into that good place (despite pompous ass dog walker today saying he once had the option to challenge redundancy but felt it was 'more appropriate to get on with his life'. Pfft.) but am not able to elaborate at present due to secret stuff, which blogs aren't very good for. But. I do have some considerations for the future up my sleeve and when they start to manifest I can share them.
For now I just need the wish out there. As I said.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Wednesday 2 June 2010
Confession
I have avoided discussing too much Bear stuff . Too difficult and very painful for the most part. But despite having a feeling that the sisterhood might disapprove, I am also doing all these things to show him that I can. Because - and we can laugh about this later if/when I get bitter and twisted - he has been good to me (even if his event schedule for BUA could have been better and a tad more dialogue than monologue). And I think he deserves a little of the the best of me and not just the worst.
So, big up for Project: Life Changing ... and Bear letting me share it with him.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
So, big up for Project: Life Changing ... and Bear letting me share it with him.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Tuesday 1 June 2010
Nanimals
I have been blogging for some days now and have referenced various life forms. Here, for those of you not in the know, is a run down of the key four-legged ones:
Black Labradors - aka BeeBees because when they were newborns and huddled together in their litter, they buzzed, like bees. aka BBGS which stands for BaBy Girls. Individually the Black Labradors comprise:
Lily (posh name: Helenstev Black Pudding) - who is also know as Lilian, Bob, Billy Bob or Billy. She doesn't appear to find this in the least confusing, not least because she couldn't be arsed to. Lily is Mum to:
Twinkle ( posh name: So Little, So Loved) - name derives from her being the smallest of Lily's litter at a mere 8oz at birth. A little star for fighting so hard to stay with us. She is no longer the smallest and is more commonly referred to as Rock Star, Twinks or Rinky. Occasionally also ALF, (as in Alien Life Form) due to her charming but odd looking face when a youngster and her current behaviour that still leans towards the 'little bit special' end of the spectrum. Sister to:
Daisy (posh name: Talgoree Greengage) - Daisy is the resident hooligan. If there's trouble to be had, she's your girl. Also know as Doozy, The Doo and Doodlebug, the latter being more or less an accurate description. The small difference being that according to Wikipedia, the V-1 flying bomb is classified as a guided missile. The Doo on the other hand is more adept at the misguided approach.
Tizzy - aka Twizzle. Bear's cat. Pointless pet but very pretty to look at.
Big Boy - This is the name I use for Presley (posh name: HillBilly Boulton Plum) one of Lily's other pups and now owned by my sister. He is big. Well, actually, mahoosive. And a boy. And I need to persuade Caesar Milan to train my sister as Big Boy is only a smidge better behaved than Ginger Cat.
Ginger Cat - My name for the non-Labrador also owned by my sister who maintains she bought a Cocker Spaniel. I put to you that the evidence displayed by non-Labrador's listening skills and general obedience would suggest it is in fact a Ginger Cat. Also known as Pebbles or Puffles.
Bear Cat - Not to be confused with Bear (or Bear's cat come to that, take note of the apostrophes and capital letters). Bear Cat was a gift from me and Bear to my niece, Munchie, on her 9th birthday. On opening the big silver box the ball of fluffy, black kitten had been placed in (only for a few minutes I hasten to add) Munchie promptly burst in to tears, woefully declaring she was too young for such a big responsibility. Lucky for her she lived with her Mum then.
And there you have it. Pets have had starring roles in my family life from as far back as I can remember. Be they those of my grandparents, aunts, uncles or immediate family they have been the source of much fun, love and laughter. They have entertained and consoled us, given us a treasure trove of happy memories and amusing anecdotes and in more ways than I care to mention enriched our lives with their unfailing loyalty and devotion. And yes, that even includes the cats. I only hope we have given them at least half of what they gave to us and I look forward to seeing every one of them again when my time comes to take that walk over Rainbow Bridge.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Black Labradors - aka BeeBees because when they were newborns and huddled together in their litter, they buzzed, like bees. aka BBGS which stands for BaBy Girls. Individually the Black Labradors comprise:
Lily (posh name: Helenstev Black Pudding) - who is also know as Lilian, Bob, Billy Bob or Billy. She doesn't appear to find this in the least confusing, not least because she couldn't be arsed to. Lily is Mum to:
Twinkle ( posh name: So Little, So Loved) - name derives from her being the smallest of Lily's litter at a mere 8oz at birth. A little star for fighting so hard to stay with us. She is no longer the smallest and is more commonly referred to as Rock Star, Twinks or Rinky. Occasionally also ALF, (as in Alien Life Form) due to her charming but odd looking face when a youngster and her current behaviour that still leans towards the 'little bit special' end of the spectrum. Sister to:
Daisy (posh name: Talgoree Greengage) - Daisy is the resident hooligan. If there's trouble to be had, she's your girl. Also know as Doozy, The Doo and Doodlebug, the latter being more or less an accurate description. The small difference being that according to Wikipedia, the V-1 flying bomb is classified as a guided missile. The Doo on the other hand is more adept at the misguided approach.
Tizzy - aka Twizzle. Bear's cat. Pointless pet but very pretty to look at.
Big Boy - This is the name I use for Presley (posh name: HillBilly Boulton Plum) one of Lily's other pups and now owned by my sister. He is big. Well, actually, mahoosive. And a boy. And I need to persuade Caesar Milan to train my sister as Big Boy is only a smidge better behaved than Ginger Cat.
Ginger Cat - My name for the non-Labrador also owned by my sister who maintains she bought a Cocker Spaniel. I put to you that the evidence displayed by non-Labrador's listening skills and general obedience would suggest it is in fact a Ginger Cat. Also known as Pebbles or Puffles.
Bear Cat - Not to be confused with Bear (or Bear's cat come to that, take note of the apostrophes and capital letters). Bear Cat was a gift from me and Bear to my niece, Munchie, on her 9th birthday. On opening the big silver box the ball of fluffy, black kitten had been placed in (only for a few minutes I hasten to add) Munchie promptly burst in to tears, woefully declaring she was too young for such a big responsibility. Lucky for her she lived with her Mum then.
And there you have it. Pets have had starring roles in my family life from as far back as I can remember. Be they those of my grandparents, aunts, uncles or immediate family they have been the source of much fun, love and laughter. They have entertained and consoled us, given us a treasure trove of happy memories and amusing anecdotes and in more ways than I care to mention enriched our lives with their unfailing loyalty and devotion. And yes, that even includes the cats. I only hope we have given them at least half of what they gave to us and I look forward to seeing every one of them again when my time comes to take that walk over Rainbow Bridge.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Progress Report
Just a few status updates for Project: Life Changing today, if only to remind me that is what I am doing at a point when much of it feels like swimming in mud.
Learning to Drive
Awaiting new provisional licence so looking forward to the post everyday. And today I was also specially selected to win £16, 479. Which is nice.
Getting Thinner
A bit of a yay day on this one as I have dropped a bag of sugar and now weigh in at 13 stone 12lbs.
Being Terribly Naughty
I think today qualifies as a success as I did get up and did take the dogs for a walk, in the rain, even though I ended up hiding in the bushes, sobbing uncontrollably and waving my mobile about trying to pick up a signal for emergency call to Little Blister. When she managed to squish a word or two in between my choked sobs, Little Blister pointed out that it was a positive thing. I was at least outside walking the dogs whilst crying and not at home in bed. So it's progress apparently.
Oh, and I also regained a little courage in dealing with birthday boy Bear today and suggested he might like to just accept his birthday gifts gracefully. He found it surprising that family and friends still treated him as they have before and I pointed out that not everyone has the talent for closing down relationships and emotions like a Terminator being taken offline. Was a little scared in mentioning it in case it made him hate me even more. And then I realised that wasn't actually possible so it technically didn't matter.
And finally
Big up to Chandi the dancing dog for a gorgeous performance on tonights Britain's Got Talent that bought more tears to my eyes. But tears of some kind of joy at that kind of devotion. Dogs is best.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Learning to Drive
Awaiting new provisional licence so looking forward to the post everyday. And today I was also specially selected to win £16, 479. Which is nice.
Getting Thinner
A bit of a yay day on this one as I have dropped a bag of sugar and now weigh in at 13 stone 12lbs.
Being Terribly Naughty
I think today qualifies as a success as I did get up and did take the dogs for a walk, in the rain, even though I ended up hiding in the bushes, sobbing uncontrollably and waving my mobile about trying to pick up a signal for emergency call to Little Blister. When she managed to squish a word or two in between my choked sobs, Little Blister pointed out that it was a positive thing. I was at least outside walking the dogs whilst crying and not at home in bed. So it's progress apparently.
Oh, and I also regained a little courage in dealing with birthday boy Bear today and suggested he might like to just accept his birthday gifts gracefully. He found it surprising that family and friends still treated him as they have before and I pointed out that not everyone has the talent for closing down relationships and emotions like a Terminator being taken offline. Was a little scared in mentioning it in case it made him hate me even more. And then I realised that wasn't actually possible so it technically didn't matter.
And finally
Big up to Chandi the dancing dog for a gorgeous performance on tonights Britain's Got Talent that bought more tears to my eyes. But tears of some kind of joy at that kind of devotion. Dogs is best.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
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