This whole project might be somewhat easier if medical science was advanced enough to provide a personality transplant on the NHS. Bad habits are easy to acquire yet good habits remain trickier little beggars to accomplish. And so bearing that in mind I am going to use a little reverse psychology and tell myself that all those good habits are secretly very, very bad.
Am looking forward to Being Terribly Naughty in the coming weeks ... I can only cross my fingers that it is appreciated.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Monday 31 May 2010
Sunday 30 May 2010
It says 'Taxi' here
I don't think I am kidding myself when I say today was a good day. Well as far as recent days have gone it was. I haven't cried once. And in fact, Bear and I had a good laugh at the strange, inebriated man who insisted that he was going to wait for a taxi right where he was because it had 'taxi' painted on the road. This was despite taxis queuing for passengers about 100 metres further down on the opposite side of the road. Bear pointed this out to him and the man raised his eyebrows, indicated to the writing on the road and said "It says 'taxi' here."
Personally, I like his style.
In hope and fear, AJ x
Personally, I like his style.
In hope and fear, AJ x
Saturday 29 May 2010
Hoofs per minute
Day three and I am exhausted. As will become evident, not as a result of the quality or quantity of blogging activity. Slept without human company last night (Bear was out prepping for a hangover) but was kept company by the Black Labradors. I haven't yet introduced them properly but suffice to say they are my babies. Or BeeBees. Or BBGs (BaBy Girls). I used to be a little embarrassed confessing to regarding them as such - and I know Caesar Milan might not approve - but having watched Horizon: The Secret Life of Dogs, my feelings have been somewhat legitimised. I discovered that when I am with my dogs my flow of oxytocin (the oft called 'cuddle chemical') increases. And it's the same stuff that new mothers produce in large quantities to help them bond with their nowhere-nearly-as-cute-looking-as-a-puppy-so-extra-boost-required newborn. In fact, such is the strength of this new found legitimacy I have even persuaded my Aunt to include them on her birthday calendar. August 17 for the rest of you.
Anyway, I digress. Actually I habitually digress in my head, one thought always leading to another. Sometimes it's under control and sometimes, like today, it's out of control. And that is tiring in itself. And tiresome. I recall my first love telling me that when it comes to your own mind, you are at once the horse and the rider. Well today's ruddy hoss and jockey have been taking the proverbial. I'm too tired to Google how horse speed is measured, horsepower or hoofs per minute or lengths per hour or whatever. But it's been too frickin' fast for my liking today. And I think the jockey must have fucked off to the bar in between races because every now and again it was as if she returned a bit sozzled and a bit weepy, managed to slowed down her hoss, but in a bit of girly and not very in control manner.
On another day I might be able to manage this scenario, after all, I have had plenty of experience in recent months. But it followed a BBG wake up call deciding that 5:40 am was a perfectly reasonable time for a walk. So you see, simultaneously managing Project: Life Changing and what feels like life disintegrating is bloody hard work. And if that's not enough I am also trying to stay positive.
All I know is that I am positively shattered.
In hope and fear, AJ xxx
Anyway, I digress. Actually I habitually digress in my head, one thought always leading to another. Sometimes it's under control and sometimes, like today, it's out of control. And that is tiring in itself. And tiresome. I recall my first love telling me that when it comes to your own mind, you are at once the horse and the rider. Well today's ruddy hoss and jockey have been taking the proverbial. I'm too tired to Google how horse speed is measured, horsepower or hoofs per minute or lengths per hour or whatever. But it's been too frickin' fast for my liking today. And I think the jockey must have fucked off to the bar in between races because every now and again it was as if she returned a bit sozzled and a bit weepy, managed to slowed down her hoss, but in a bit of girly and not very in control manner.
On another day I might be able to manage this scenario, after all, I have had plenty of experience in recent months. But it followed a BBG wake up call deciding that 5:40 am was a perfectly reasonable time for a walk. So you see, simultaneously managing Project: Life Changing and what feels like life disintegrating is bloody hard work. And if that's not enough I am also trying to stay positive.
All I know is that I am positively shattered.
In hope and fear, AJ xxx
Friday 28 May 2010
Frills
Went out tonight. Apparently it's what us single folk have to do so we retain our social skills. But I did have a very pleasant surprise when I bumped into an old schoolfriend who reminded me that I once wore things with ruffles and frills and pixie boots. So does that make it a good night out or a bad one?
Thinking Positive, Thinking Thin ... most of the time
Wow. Day two of Project: Life Changing and I'm still here. It looked shaky for a while last night as I underwent one of those momentary relapses of positive thinking and dissolved into my own self pity for a while. I guess it's allowed but I am much relieved that after an evening with my ever wise brother-in-law I can return to the life changing policy with gusto.
In summary, after a happy day blogging yesterday, I was indulging in my habitual eagerness for Bear to arrive home; only when he did he bought that 'don't care air' with him. That hurt. And so I had to go and spend some time somewhere else with someone else, someone I felt that cared. So I duly tipped my self-pitying guts all over the brother-in-law and then we scooped them up and popped them back in, with a plentiful supply of tea and sympathy. I then walked the dogs (Big Boy and Ginger Cat). Separately, for those of you that know them. (Little Blister's dogs are not what they should be when it comes to going out in polite society). And with the beautiful night sky, some chilled summer air and the joy of watching a happy tail and a happy stump, all seemed much better with the world.
And so I returned to Project: Life Changing. As mentioned in my earlier post, Getting Thinner is the aim. Having just read 'Secret' I am not allowed to call it weight loss as that is too negative, but apparently I can think myself thinner. So I am thinking about two stone thinner.
Project: Life Changing
Getting Thinner - status update
Having just got on the scales (which I am not meant to do according to 'Secret' but will have to occasionally for the purpose of this project) I have weighed in at 14 stone. Now that is 1lb heavier than last weigh in but I'll put that down to a glitch in the thin-thinking that occurred last night when tea and sympathy felt a whole lot better with a turkey escalope, peas, potato waffle and a potato wedges sandwich.
Project: Life Changing
Learning to Drive - status update
Am considering the automatic option as perhaps less nerve-wracking. Getting excited about what car to buy now. Needs to comfortably accommodate self and three Black Labradors as a minimum. Room for passengers and the addition of Big Boy and Ginger Cat would be nice. Suggestions welcome.
Now I hear my Mother has arrived and is playing with the paper shredder so I must sign off and go undertake supervisory duties to ensure the shredder's survival. She will of course insist it wasn't her who left it catatonic last time, but I know better, having experienced her killing off two vacuum cleaners with the ease of an experienced assassin.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
In summary, after a happy day blogging yesterday, I was indulging in my habitual eagerness for Bear to arrive home; only when he did he bought that 'don't care air' with him. That hurt. And so I had to go and spend some time somewhere else with someone else, someone I felt that cared. So I duly tipped my self-pitying guts all over the brother-in-law and then we scooped them up and popped them back in, with a plentiful supply of tea and sympathy. I then walked the dogs (Big Boy and Ginger Cat). Separately, for those of you that know them. (Little Blister's dogs are not what they should be when it comes to going out in polite society). And with the beautiful night sky, some chilled summer air and the joy of watching a happy tail and a happy stump, all seemed much better with the world.
And so I returned to Project: Life Changing. As mentioned in my earlier post, Getting Thinner is the aim. Having just read 'Secret' I am not allowed to call it weight loss as that is too negative, but apparently I can think myself thinner. So I am thinking about two stone thinner.
Project: Life Changing
Getting Thinner - status update
Having just got on the scales (which I am not meant to do according to 'Secret' but will have to occasionally for the purpose of this project) I have weighed in at 14 stone. Now that is 1lb heavier than last weigh in but I'll put that down to a glitch in the thin-thinking that occurred last night when tea and sympathy felt a whole lot better with a turkey escalope, peas, potato waffle and a potato wedges sandwich.
Project: Life Changing
Learning to Drive - status update
Am considering the automatic option as perhaps less nerve-wracking. Getting excited about what car to buy now. Needs to comfortably accommodate self and three Black Labradors as a minimum. Room for passengers and the addition of Big Boy and Ginger Cat would be nice. Suggestions welcome.
Now I hear my Mother has arrived and is playing with the paper shredder so I must sign off and go undertake supervisory duties to ensure the shredder's survival. She will of course insist it wasn't her who left it catatonic last time, but I know better, having experienced her killing off two vacuum cleaners with the ease of an experienced assassin.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Thursday 27 May 2010
Project: Life Changing - To Do List (in progress)
You know, I don't really know where to start. It is only a couple of weeks since Bear made his Big Unexpected Announcement (The BUA) and I am still struggling with the enormity of it if the truth be told. Under advice from a variety of sources - including the internet, self help books, friends and Little Blister - I have to focus, try and stay positive and look on this as an opportunity to change my life for the better. Apparently it is an exciting time of change. It is tempting to merely harrumph at such nonsense (in between sobs of course) but as I am trying so very hard to avoid sliding into the abyss of despair, anything has to be worth a go. So, Project: Life Changing is here to provide focus and prevent me from sleeping at inappropriate times when dreaming seems preferable to real life.
I have already made one public announcement - well if parents and step-parents, Little Blister, brother-in-law, one neice, one friend and a couple of cousins count as public - in that I will Learn To Drive. I am 42 years of age and have driven a car twice. Once in the New Forest and hated it. Once in an Asda car park and hated it . My motto has always been, 'have boyfriend, will travel' ... only following BUA it is no longer true. I do currently still have access to Bear and therefore some journeys are still permissible but when we have finally untangled this 15 years and go our separate ways, the wheels will go with him. And even if, as I hope against hope, we may untangle in order to re-tangle in a more mutually agreeable way, I am sure he would be happy to take the back seat now and again.
Project: Life Changing
Learn to Drive - status update: Applied online for replacement provisional licence, posted requested forms and grim photo to DVLA. Waiting for response. Have found telephone number for a driving instructor recommended by my Dad who used to work with her when he was a driving instructor. Yes. Dad won't teach me.
I have already made one public announcement - well if parents and step-parents, Little Blister, brother-in-law, one neice, one friend and a couple of cousins count as public - in that I will Learn To Drive. I am 42 years of age and have driven a car twice. Once in the New Forest and hated it. Once in an Asda car park and hated it . My motto has always been, 'have boyfriend, will travel' ... only following BUA it is no longer true. I do currently still have access to Bear and therefore some journeys are still permissible but when we have finally untangled this 15 years and go our separate ways, the wheels will go with him. And even if, as I hope against hope, we may untangle in order to re-tangle in a more mutually agreeable way, I am sure he would be happy to take the back seat now and again.
Project: Life Changing
Learn to Drive - status update: Applied online for replacement provisional licence, posted requested forms and grim photo to DVLA. Waiting for response. Have found telephone number for a driving instructor recommended by my Dad who used to work with her when he was a driving instructor. Yes. Dad won't teach me.
By way of an introduction ...
Well, with the creation of this blog, here goes to perhaps one step in the right direction. Said direction is as yet, unknown. However, it is to be hoped that whatever direction I head towards I can, for a short time at least, avoid any more spanners being thrown in the works by either fate, destiny, luck or my own stupidity. This is one girl who definitely needs a break.
In summary: the past few months has subjected me to the death of my oldest and closest friend; the break-up of a dear friendship of some 28 years; the loss of my all-time favourite job (redundancy due in August. Am putting up a fight. Losing battle springs to mind); and the totally unexpected announcement that my partner of 15 years wants us to separate. So, in terms of stress factors, I really appear to have hit the jackpot. Oh, and I perhaps should mention that I have the delight of mental health issues to deal with too, having many moons ago recovered from agorophobia I am now merely subjected to general anxiety with odd dollops of panic attacks and depression thrown in.
So. I clearly need to do something to keep sane and give me a focus. Having recently watched Julie & Julia and recognised a kindred spirit in Julie's frustrated writer/lack of application/can't stick to the job approach to life I got to thinking perhaps it might work for me too. The discipline of blogging I mean; I can cook reasonably well but don't much fancy the commitment to culinary indulgence as part of Project: Life Changing is to shift two stone in weight. Among other things.
Project: Life Changing is about me putting it out there for all to see with the hope that it will inspire me to keep on track by publicly declaring/discussing/bemoaning successes and failures. And the secret extra hope is that I get to feel useful again with my sharing perhaps encouraging others to try and overcome some horrible times with a little focus, laughter, care and a little bitching and griping thrown in for good measure.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no brave bunny. Just trying to learn how to become one and change my life for the better. So now I'm signing off to have a cigarette (giving up is also part of the project, though as any fellow social outcasts out there will know, it will not be immediately forthcoming). Between puffs I will be pondering how best to present Project:Life Changing.
In fear and hope, AJ x
In summary: the past few months has subjected me to the death of my oldest and closest friend; the break-up of a dear friendship of some 28 years; the loss of my all-time favourite job (redundancy due in August. Am putting up a fight. Losing battle springs to mind); and the totally unexpected announcement that my partner of 15 years wants us to separate. So, in terms of stress factors, I really appear to have hit the jackpot. Oh, and I perhaps should mention that I have the delight of mental health issues to deal with too, having many moons ago recovered from agorophobia I am now merely subjected to general anxiety with odd dollops of panic attacks and depression thrown in.
So. I clearly need to do something to keep sane and give me a focus. Having recently watched Julie & Julia and recognised a kindred spirit in Julie's frustrated writer/lack of application/can't stick to the job approach to life I got to thinking perhaps it might work for me too. The discipline of blogging I mean; I can cook reasonably well but don't much fancy the commitment to culinary indulgence as part of Project: Life Changing is to shift two stone in weight. Among other things.
Project: Life Changing is about me putting it out there for all to see with the hope that it will inspire me to keep on track by publicly declaring/discussing/bemoaning successes and failures. And the secret extra hope is that I get to feel useful again with my sharing perhaps encouraging others to try and overcome some horrible times with a little focus, laughter, care and a little bitching and griping thrown in for good measure.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no brave bunny. Just trying to learn how to become one and change my life for the better. So now I'm signing off to have a cigarette (giving up is also part of the project, though as any fellow social outcasts out there will know, it will not be immediately forthcoming). Between puffs I will be pondering how best to present Project:Life Changing.
In fear and hope, AJ x
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