Well. Where to start? How do I write this final blog for Project: Life Changing? I am not feeling broken or dejected, nor particularly witty or amusing or bitter or sour – all emotions that I have relied on in previous entries to rinse something vaguely interesting out of the keyboard and onto the page.
No, dear readers - and excuse the rather large assumption that I might still attract enough of you to warrant the use of the plural – today I am feeling just plain unusual, something I have been getting used to for some weeks now but that has proven quite difficult to describe.
Today was also the first day in a long time that I have spent alone with no plans or chores or expectation of action. My first New Year opportunity to quietly reflect on the past twelve months. I shed a few tears. Just the little sad sort that many of us have when we ponder awhile on the past and realise how blessed we are to be looking forward to another year, a brand new year stretching out before us.
New Year has always given me the same feeling I had on starting a new school book. All empty and clean and white, drawing promises of hard work and neat handwriting. This year it also makes me feel like the snow made me feel … an untrodden blanket of soft brilliance that I simultaneously don't want to disturb and yet can't resist walking on, fundamentally thrilled at the sight of my own footprints being the first.
And somehow, today's reflections have just sort of fallen into place with a semblance of coherence that I might just be able to write about, to sum up what 2010 has meant to me and how 2011 looks. Because be assured, I have never felt like this before – at least not as an adult. Not right at the core of my being, deep, deep in my heart in a way I can comprehend.
Some of my close friends and family may recall one of my little 'parlour games' (for want of a better description) has been to ask them that if they could relive any of their life experiences again, what would they choose. It is tempting to suppose that it would be the big, joyful or exciting experiences – big days such as births, weddings, graduations or personal successes. And indeed, initially it often was. But I now know I was asking the question with a hidden agenda, trying to seek reassurance because my moment of choice was nothing so grand. Because I didn't really understand why my choice was what it was, why it presented itself as such an insignificant event yet felt so powerful to me. I was inadvertently trying to compare moments to see what I was missing out on.
My moment of choice was just for an hour or so to be at my grandparent's house, sitting on the carpet in front of the coal fire, drinking tea and eating cake. Just me, Nanny and Grandad. Strangely it could be either set of grandparents and strange too that in the reality of all those occasions there would undoubtedly also be a parent or sibling present. But in my head those perfect moments are just the three of us. I now know that those moments are so powerful to me because they are the memory of total and utter contentment, love and happiness, the memories of childhood ease, safety and comfort where the rest of the world and its attendant cares and worries melted into nothingness.
Whether or not they ever really happened as I imagine they did is irrelevant, what is relevant is that I could recall the feeling. And through recalling the feeling I could learn again to experience it. To learn again how to let go of fears and troubles and just be myself, in the moment, in the here and now and no longer giving anyone else the power to destroy my sense of self, safety, contentment or happiness.
Of course there might still be difficult times, sad times, days when staying under the duvet is a good option. But there will now always be that better place in my heart that I can go to, where I know that so long as my values are intact no-one else can hold me to emotional ransom. And that means I am where I am now.
So if you asked me what 2010 would be remembered as, perhaps twelve months ago following the death of my closest friend; or eleven months ago when I was told I was being made redundant; or ten months ago when I was suffering from anxiety and depression; or eight months ago when Him Formerly told me he was leaving me after 15 years together; or six months ago when I discovered Him Formerly had been betraying me for so long; or five months ago when it became a reality that I would have to leave my beautiful home; or even two or three months ago when finances hit rock bottom and job-hunting seemed to be going nowhere fast; if you had asked me at any time I am sure you would understand why 2010, with all its pain and hurt and desperation was clearly my annus horribilis.
But. It wasn't. On the contrary, 2010 has shown itself to be my annus mirabilis, my year of wonder. Because throughout all those troubles I have been accompanied by a host of angels … angels disguised as family or friends, as professionals and experts, as strangers with kind words and acquaintances with kind hearts. And of course those angels disguised with floppy ears and smiley bums.
I also talked to robins and watched jays from beneath my tremble tree, I saw my first ever woodpecker, enjoyed coffee and laughter in Starbucks, sipped tea and slurped jelly in Ikea, relaxed with a glass of wine and the scent of rosemary and jasmine in a beautiful garden, picnicked with flat coke and Walkers cheese and onion in glorious sunshine on a penthouse balcony and guzzled one too many gins on nights out with the rockabillies.
I have laughed in the rain and kissed in the moonlight, marvelled at sunsets and delighted in snowfall. I have read many books, written many words, met new friends and old friends, my first love and the love of my life. I have experienced epiphanies, road to Damascus moments, gestalt and renaissance and I have discarded the useless and discovered the valuable. And yes, I have learned to say yes. Yes to new things, yes to opportunities and yes I am looking forward to the future. (Yes Juicy, you read that right.)
And so here it is. The final installment of the Project: Life Changing blog at blogspot ... with high hopes of a sequel in the not too distant. In the meantime dear readers I thank you. Thank you for your kind words, your blessings, your magic and your support and all the inspiration those things have afforded me.
A very Happy, Hopeful and Prosperous New Year to you all.
Yours in hope & happiness, AJ xx
