Evidently I am not tougher than a turnip. Because as I am writing the screen is a little blurred by my tears following what feels like just about disastrous everything. So much for the last Progress Report.
Disastrous driving lesson during which Nice Man ran out of niceness and got cross with me. Which made me cry. Like a girl and not under my own instruction. The tears just trickled out of their own accord and, on reaching flood proportions, Nice Man handed me a tissue and offered to drive me home.
To my home where three beautiful BBGs were waiting to greet me and yet whose bounce and joy did nothing to stem the flow of tears. Because I have let them down too and today they missed out their morning walk. Because I was too tired to get up. Because despite going to sleep at 11:45 pm last night I was awake again at 1:45 am and unable to sleep again until 5 am. Because yesterday I spoke with Him Formerly. And because yesterday started off so promisingly and then just kind of drifted into questions I shouldn't be asking myself. Because I don't have any answers and now is not the time.
I tried to be calm with Him Formerly as I wanted some tech support (he is good with technology because computers don't have emotions). However, despite duck taping my temper I still couldn't resist letting him know that his rather inept IT colleagues clearly don't know how facebook works. If you post things on your wall they appear on friends feeds.
Now there are still a few children he works with who hadn't got round to deleting me as a friend. (After all, they couldn't possibly be my friend after what I have done to him could they???) And one 'friend' posted some charming pictures of the World Cup final party they attended, complete with (and I swear it was a soft focus, vaseline smeared over the lens sort of shot ) of Him Formerly cuddling up with Her on the sofa.
Just what I needed to see. Now don't get me wrong. Tears or no tears I am no longer overly bothered about him being with her per se; Her obviously worked hard to get him and Him Formerly clearly worked hard to enable her, perhaps they are good for each other. It is just the sickening feeling of seeing how easily Her has been accepted and allowed to slot so neatly into the space beside him as if I never existed.
The people who once knew us as a couple are just all round smiles and laughter. No qualms, no consciences pricked and no knowledge of what Him Formerly has said or done to me. Not one of those people who knew us both have sent me a kind word of sympathy. Neither those now just his friends, nor his family of which I was a part of for 15 years. I am now deleted. Just. Like. That.
And if that isn't enough, Him Formerly told me he wanted to come and collect a few things. Namely shoe brushes (fancy moving in with a woman who doesn't have shoe brushes. Maybe she has webbed feet and doesn't need them.) and a cheese slice. A frickin' cheese slice I ask you. I couldn't help but laugh and tell him to sod off and go and buy a new one at Tesco (about £1.50 I believe).
"But I was attached to the cheese slice." He said. "Funny that," I countered. "I was attached to lots of things from the past 15 years but Hey Ho. Shit happens." What a pity for Him Formerly (and if you ask me a worrying prospect for Her) - that he didn't manage to get attached to something a little more substantial.
So no. I am, thankfully, not tougher than a turnip. I am methinks more of a dragon fruit. Strange, colourful and with some almost dangerous looking features on the outside but yielding, soft and sweet and on the inside. Only it might take a little more than a cheese slice to find it.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
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