Can't frickin' sleep. It's 4:59 am and I am still no closer to my movie night of dreams than I was 6hrs ago. Only it's not tears, snot or nausea. I am just fucking angry. Fucking angry that I have to go through the fucking angry stage at a point when I am beginning to discover that life is so much nicer and more promising without an emotionally vapid grizzly in the background.
The anger isn't very nice; I have plotted at least 47 ways to create maximum public humiliation and shame for Him Formerly and Her. It's not that I am concerned the plotting isn't nice, after all, it's not meant to be. Nice didn't come into it when they decided it would be a good idea to have an affair when I needed some love and support. Nice didn't come into it when they were canoodling in the office on the pretext of 'being busy at work'. Nice didn't come into it when Him Formerly said he needed to 'stand on his own two feet' and then moved into her flat. And nice certainly didn't come into the appalling way Him Formerly has treated me for the past year. (Me being the muppet I was just explained it all away as my fault because poor Him Formerly couldn't cope. Pfft.)
What isn't nice is that I am too fucking nice to be capable of carrying out any of my vicious plots. Dammit. Which leaves me feeling all the more angry that I spent 15 years trusting someone who is. Someone who has taken lies and deception to a level so cowardly and cruel it is verging on the inhumane. (Note to United Nations - formal amendments to the Human Rights Act required).
Lucky for me there is a bright side, because bright sides are currently popping up all over the place. Said side being that I just might run out of niceness before I reach the I-don't-care-I'm-gonna-do-it-anyway stage. Which could be a whole heap of mwhahaha fun.
See, still moving in the right direction, something else to look forward to.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
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