Planning

I have never been a great one for planning ahead as I have always preferred spontaneity. At least that's what I thought. However it actually resulted in me spontaneously doing very little except thinking about what I might do later. Hmm. Clearly that isn't the way forward.

It's just planning stuff seemed to me, well, boring. And difficult. How could I agree to go for lunch with a friend in five days time when in five days time I might not fancy lunch, or that particular friend come to that. Far better to not plan anything and do nothing. Right?

Der. Wrong. Frickin' Henry. Where have I been? Yes, of course, there is always something delightful about a spontaneous event but I have been missing the subtle charms - and the structure - that a little advance planning provides. The looking forward to something feeling.

I am not going to beat myself up about how things have been to date. I am a sucker for history and the past and reminiscing, as many of us are. But combined with major depression it led me to desperately fight against the natural order of things, mourning the past while only dreaming of the future. My future dreams were never acted on; always put on hold by that debilitating lethargy that is the handmaid of depression.

Lucky for me I have managed to poke that handmaid in the eye with my I've-had-enough-of-you stick, so she can shuff off. I think actually it was The Bear's I've-had-enough-of-you stick, but an eye-poking stick is an eye-poking stick and it seems to have done the job.

Life moves forward and I have learnt of late that it is as well to move forward with it. We can all keep our ability to once in a while do something spontaneous and charming and exciting. It's just better to plan for it.

Onwards and upwards, the directions in which I am now planning to go.


Yours in hope and fear, AJ x