101

Today someone rather audaciously said I was fortunate. They took their life in their hands I can assure you. Because hell yeah, I feel so frickin' fortunate. Just sit tight and imagine for a moment, if you can, what you might feel like if your top three dearest, closest and most loved companions in your life's journey all left your life in the space of six months. One after another. Gone. The people that between them had the keys to your soul and all that it holds within - your darkest fears, your secret joys, years of shared memories and dreams for the future. The people that define you in their reflection of you. And while you're enjoying this good fortune, go for broke and add in an unexpected and undeserved job loss. Oh, and a dash of depression and anxiety for good measure. Give it all a little shake and really imagine just how darned fortunate you feel.

Not for one moment do I expect you to succeed. Even if you can imagine the parts it just isn't possible to imagine the simultaneous whole. I know I can't and I am living it. My own personal nightmare.

So woe is fucking me. Right?

Wrong (with a big dinging 'ng' sound at the end if you please). Because you know, despite the agonies and pain I feel now, my heart still beats. Barely. But it is still beating. CPR is being administered. Ministering to my sadness and confusion is host of family, friends and even acquaintances, all offering shoulders, ears, tea, tissues and kind words as required. Sometimes even the odd scolding as necessary. A big, busy host of helpers. And amongst that host of helpers, doing their duty and helping out where they can - ok, perhaps not quite as brilliantly as the others, but diligent and persevering nonetheless - is one little soul whose dedication I all too often overlook.

That little soul is me. The me that opens my heart and lets others in, even when I desperately want to close the door. The me that keeps me feeling because she knows there is one thing more difficult for a human being to bear than unbearable pain. And that is no pain. To have no pain, to be numb, empty and cold, well therein would be my room 101.

So today's blog ends with a sincere hope that you are all as fortunate as me. And if there is anyone who thinks they aren't, think a little harder. After all, I am still here, heart beating.

Yours still with hope gone but with a little less fear, AJ x