I continue in my naivety. I have continued to hold some belief in people that deserve none. One people in particular. So ashamed of my contribution to the mess our 15 years had dissolved into I felt one people in particular deserved the chance to deliver his retribution, had somehow earned the right to set his demons on me and take his moment of glory as they shredded my heart. Passive and understanding, I so didn't want to cry out at the pain, knowing that he needed to do it to set himself free. No-one has heard my cries. Those cries have been silent and accepting. Until now.
Because I can't take anymore. Because my spirit is now crying out its refusal to be broken by such relentless devils as have driven him to such dark places, to such horrible depths. My strength to accept his pain is indefatigable and his demons will soon tire of me and return unsated to him. They will continue to shred a heart - but not mine. Mine is no longer his.
My heart is the most precious thing I have in my life and though bruised and bleeding it still beats. And it will heal because I will not have it otherwise. I will not let anyone destroy such a glorious gift as that which is the very life of me. These may seem to you like the words of a dreamer, a romantic, maybe even someone slightly unhinged or out of touch with reality. But they are the words of my reality and I am entitled to have them.
The life to me that is important is not the stuff of our external world but the sparkling, enigmatic, so very difficult to catch hold of but so delightful to connect with internal world. That which makes us shudder at the vastness of the universe, tremble in the face of our mortality and laughs as it dares us to to try and live without it.
And some people do dare. One people in particular dares because who dares wins. Only for me a Pyrrhic victory is one I can live without.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
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