Gone Fishing

I thought I was suffering from writer's block, even though I suspect there isn't really such a malady. Then I realised I was just suffering from liar's block. I have been struggling to write my blog because I have been struggling with what to say and what not to say. Not strictly lying, but not strictly telling the truth either.

The truth is I think I have fallen a little bit in love with someone. Which doesn't seem to fit with with the plan I had laid down for Project:Life Changing and certainly makes a mockery of the sentiments expressed in earlier blogs. So it seems. But then again, perhaps someone was making a mockery out of me.

Someone was pretending to love me, saying they loved me and yet I didn't feel it. If I dared to question the lack of affection, the lack of physical closeness, the lack of communication, in fact, the lack of anything, my questions, my concerns, were refuted. Point blank. So for years I stood frozen in point blank range, a target immobilised with lies, connivance, masquerading and pretence. All because someone lacked the courage to tell the truth.

It is the lack of courage, the cowardliness of covert affairs at the expense of someone else's faith that I find, quite frankly, loathsome. (The lovers of the cryptic among you might like to check out the etymology on that word.)

So why the frick would I behave in the same way? Why the frick would I become secretive and coy in the very medium where my honesty has brought me so much joy? Erm ... I am hazarding a guess it's a bit to do with courage and a lot to do with its lacking.

I'll be damned if I am going down that route. When it comes to my heart I have never been a coward, it has always sat comfortably out there on the end of my sleeve. But of late, as I tried to tuck it up my sleeve and keep it hidden, things have become a lot less comfortable. A discomfort compounded by the fact there has been another heart on another's sleeve waiting for me to rediscover my courage.

And you know what? I think I found it when I went fishing. I am indeed hook, line and sinkered.

Yours in hope & fear, AJ x