Lead Poisoning

I don't know why I did it. But I did. I caved and gave Him Formerly one more chance. One more chance to prove me wrong, to prove that I am mistaken. I'm not. He really does have a lump of lead where most of us have some ventricles and an aorta. And I have for too long endured the symptoms of chronic exposure.

Sadly, so very sadly, I am struggling with a decision I don't even want to think about, let alone say out loud. A heartbreaking decision that is turning me inside out as it goes against something I have believed in all my life, made famous by the Dog's Trust phrase 'A Dog is For Life'. That is the closest I can get. I spoke with Juicy and Big Cuz because they have had to go through it - albeit with little sympathy from me because I never believed it was possible to reach such a stage. I mean, people don't give their children away because things get too difficult do they?

Well in a way I guess they do. If things are too difficult for parents the can end up destroying that which they love if they can't find whatever kind of strength is needed to give them up voluntarily. Arguably most people couldn't even begin to understand how a parent could give up a child. I couldn't even begin to understand how anyone could give up their dogs.

I do now ... it is because I want them to be happy. I want to stop feeling guilty that they have missed a walk, or been on their own, or had dinner late. Because those things make me feel guilty and that kind of guilt makes me tense. Which makes me snappish and impatient. Which makes those beautiful, loyal and devoted companions of mine drop their ears and look at me with questioning eyes. And my heart aches because I love them so much.

So. I thought for one brief but monumentally stupid moment that Him Formerly might understand. I called him. Now if you or I receive a telephone call from someone who is clearly distressed do we speak in monosyllables and put on a slightly bored tone? Do we try our hardest to be as cold and disinterested as possible? Do we make sure we don't let one kind word of sympathy, understanding, care or compassion pass our lips? Do we disinterestedly and arrogantly ask of someone who is clearly upset in the here and now, "Can we talk about this tomorrow"? No we fucking don't. Not even if we don't like them.

Because empathy as a rule is such a fundamental feature of being human it overrides our baser emotions, even against our will. That pulsing, warm, life giving, ventricle and aorta thing is one of the reasons we humans survive the onslaught of nature and life as we do. Through cooperation and compassion, our ability to imagine ourselves in someone else's shoes.

Those who reveal they are without it often end up behind bars, labelled accordingly due to their unfortunate nature or nurture which has led them to abuse either themselves, others or the society they live in. Those who manage to maintain a semblance of social integration have very different bars. Barred from the ecstasies of life's deeper connections they live behind the kind of bars you can't see. They live in a prison of their own making.

What was I thinking? Looking for empathy and understanding in a place I know full well to be an emotional Strangeways. I'll never make that mistake again.

Yours in hope & fear, AJ x