How Do You Like Them Apples?

Now this blog could perhaps be as dull as dishwater for many of you. Or perhaps it might make you grimace and cringe. But just maybe it will resonate with someone, just enough to prevent another soul going through the same self-loathing and self-destructive patterns I have experienced. Perhaps even those that Him F. has experienced too. And those of Mr TGTBT. Maybe even FEW. Or even Her. Because whichever side of the following equation someone may have the misfortune to be on, it is not a happy place.

I have been seeing a counsellor. Trying to get to the root of my sometimes almost crippling lack of self belief. And I've always regarded myself as reasonably emotionally intelligent, dabbling here and there trying to understand what makes myself and other people tick. Usually quite forgiving of other's behaviours in the end, and particularly so if I deduce an emotional reason for them. I understand - albeit to date quite inadequately - that most of my bad behaviours also spring from some emotional well or other so I find it easy to accept it is the same for other people.

Today's session with my counsellor was indeed a revelation as she mentioned a term that I have heard of but never understood, never felt the need to. Never seen the need to because I have been blinded and side-swiped by its very existence. The counsellor began by asking if I felt I had been the victim of abuse. I laughed. I began to think 'uh-oh' here we go, liberal-lefty approach to everything being someone else's fault and no-one taking personal responsibility for their situation or actions.

I most certainly had no desire to play the victim in any greater way than I currently feel, as the victim of a horrible set of circumstances. Anyway, Him F. wasn't that bad. Was he? I well know, as many of you will have heard me state, much of the failure of my relationship with Him F. was my fault.

But. I am polite. Willing to learn. So I listened to what the counsellor had to say. And as I listened and questioned I experienced one of those OMG moments as more scales fell from my ever widening eyes, along with more tears. I have struggled to understand how and why Him F. did - and continues - to treat me so spitefully and coldly. No compassion, no residual affection for anything we had in the past 15 years.

The reason I couldn't understand it was because I persisted in looking to myself for the answers, blaming myself for so much while remaining unaware of exactly what I had been up against and subjected to. I was up against - and here comes the term - someone who suffers from a passive-aggressive personality disorder. And the passive aggressive is a master of covert abuse.

Two major issues I had in my relationship with Him F. were a) lack of physical intimacy and b) his inability to express any anger or dissatisfaction. Now if you pootle off and Google passive-aggressive (as I did) you will discover (as I did) that those two issues are symptomatic of such a personality. Their inability to express (b) results in them using (a) as a punishment.

Passive aggressives are masters and mistresses of a particularly underhand kind of deceit and emotional abuse. Most likely also deceiving themselves as convincingly as they do their partner. These masters and mistresses project satisfaction and will happily spend the day with their other half, appearing as if all is well with the world. On special occasions there might be days out together, eating, laughing, visiting places of personal interest and meaning and generally having a quite wonderful time.

With so much apparent happiness in the air it can be quite confusing when, at the end of a beautiful day, the most affection the passive aggressive can stretch to is perhaps a cuddle and a cat-bottom kiss. So what is the problem?

The problem is, things were bothering the passive aggressive. But their inability to express them, to spell out whatever had upset or angered them - be it the expense of the day, something their partner had said or done or just something they themselves felt inside - means that instead of confronting their partner with the issue they will instead mete out some kind of punishment. A punishment that is arguably difficult to declare as such and punishment for something they themselves weren't willing (or for the benefit of the doubt, able) to express.

Towards the end of my relationship with Him F. it is likely he was perpetually punishing me for all the perceived slights and wrongs and injustices he had received from me over the years. He had been unable to address them in a healthy way because he was too frightened to confront his own deep-rooted fear ... his inability to express his negative emotions, like anger or distress. His inability and unwillingness to communicate his feelings adequately.

And what's more, the passive aggressive punishment is so covert, it enables them to display quite believeable astonishment if anyone should suggest they were engaging in such unpleasant behaviour. Punishment so underhand, so reliant on the complicity of the one being punished that they can retain their 'good guy/sweet girl' image, once again avoiding the need for any emotional honesty.

A lack of physical intimacy from a passive aggressive will be dressed up under the titles of 'too tired', 'a little unwell' or 'stressed from work' And not once in a while - we all get tired, unwell or stressed now and again - but persistently. In my case about 8 years of persistence; me asking what the problem was, him saying there wasn't one. So of course, I did what I am sure thousands of men and women have done, and continue to do. I made it all about me. I was too fat/too ugly/too demanding. And when emotionally shattered from that continual self-abuse I would give myself a break by accepting his excuses and be all understanding about how tired/ill/stressed he was.

The passive aggressive will usually form relationships with people who have low self-esteem or those who find it easy to excuse other's bad behaviours. Playing the role of committed, adoring and loving partner but in reality unable to form a real and honest emotional connection with their significant other.

Absolving themselves of any personal responsibility, when finally forced to confront the problems in the relationship they will have prepared their escape plans and just withdraw completely. They will leave with their skewed sense of reality allowing them to deny any wrong-doing and lay the blame at someone else's door. In a slippery distortion of the facts their dysfunctional emotional behaviour has probably driven the other person to bad behaviours too, and to distraction, to distress, and to displays of anger and irritation. All of which neatly ticks a box in passive aggressive's warped view ... 'look how awful she/he is. Look at what I have had to put up with. Is it any wonder I am leaving them?'. Tick.

My former passive aggressive has withdrawn so wholly, extricated himself so completely from the familial and social settings he was part of for 15 years, that it is unlikely he will ever have to face the true reality. No-one will be able to hold up the mirror for him to take that long, hard look. A look at the hurt, pain, sadness, confusion and distress his actions and behaviour has wrought. Not just on me but on many others who welcomed him into their world to share in their lives and all the celebrations and heartbreak the years have delivered. Those many others to whom he has shown neither the courtesy, kindness or grace to offer even the smallest of goodbyes to.

This may all sound a tad unbelievable ... it does to me and I have lived it, so I can fully appreciate the sense of disbelief others may have. But Him F. has indeed walked away and closed down 15 years of connections in the blink of an eye and continues to blame me for it. I know he has managed to convince himself - because he has told me so - that he dealt with things in the best way possible. And yes, for the passive aggressive it was. No confrontation, no emotions to deal with, just (self) justifiable actions. Those of us he left behind had just a sense of shock and so many unanswered questions. Until today. Now I understand that while all may appear well with that passive aggressive's world view, I am as lucky as I am relieved to no longer be a part of it.

But above all, though I have some serious personal issues to address as to why I allowed myself to accept such behaviours for so long and with such devastating consequences, I am happy to have finally discovered that I am not such a bad apple after all.

Perhaps a little bruised but certainly not rotten, I am now the apple of someone else's eye. A delightfully, delicious, emotionaI windfall. A little bit sweet and a lot bit fruity.

Yours in hope with fear gone, AJ x