Just like to draw attention to my blog subtitle, that not everyone on the brink finds the will to change. Some lack courage and simply run away.
In hope and fear, AJ x
Friday, 18 June 2010
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Planning
I have never been a great one for planning ahead as I have always preferred spontaneity. At least that's what I thought. However it actually resulted in me spontaneously doing very little except thinking about what I might do later. Hmm. Clearly that isn't the way forward.
It's just planning stuff seemed to me, well, boring. And difficult. How could I agree to go for lunch with a friend in five days time when in five days time I might not fancy lunch, or that particular friend come to that. Far better to not plan anything and do nothing. Right?
Der. Wrong. Frickin' Henry. Where have I been? Yes, of course, there is always something delightful about a spontaneous event but I have been missing the subtle charms - and the structure - that a little advance planning provides. The looking forward to something feeling.
I am not going to beat myself up about how things have been to date. I am a sucker for history and the past and reminiscing, as many of us are. But combined with major depression it led me to desperately fight against the natural order of things, mourning the past while only dreaming of the future. My future dreams were never acted on; always put on hold by that debilitating lethargy that is the handmaid of depression.
Lucky for me I have managed to poke that handmaid in the eye with my I've-had-enough-of-you stick, so she can shuff off. I think actually it was The Bear's I've-had-enough-of-you stick, but an eye-poking stick is an eye-poking stick and it seems to have done the job.
Life moves forward and I have learnt of late that it is as well to move forward with it. We can all keep our ability to once in a while do something spontaneous and charming and exciting. It's just better to plan for it.
Onwards and upwards, the directions in which I am now planning to go.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
It's just planning stuff seemed to me, well, boring. And difficult. How could I agree to go for lunch with a friend in five days time when in five days time I might not fancy lunch, or that particular friend come to that. Far better to not plan anything and do nothing. Right?
Der. Wrong. Frickin' Henry. Where have I been? Yes, of course, there is always something delightful about a spontaneous event but I have been missing the subtle charms - and the structure - that a little advance planning provides. The looking forward to something feeling.
I am not going to beat myself up about how things have been to date. I am a sucker for history and the past and reminiscing, as many of us are. But combined with major depression it led me to desperately fight against the natural order of things, mourning the past while only dreaming of the future. My future dreams were never acted on; always put on hold by that debilitating lethargy that is the handmaid of depression.
Lucky for me I have managed to poke that handmaid in the eye with my I've-had-enough-of-you stick, so she can shuff off. I think actually it was The Bear's I've-had-enough-of-you stick, but an eye-poking stick is an eye-poking stick and it seems to have done the job.
Life moves forward and I have learnt of late that it is as well to move forward with it. We can all keep our ability to once in a while do something spontaneous and charming and exciting. It's just better to plan for it.
Onwards and upwards, the directions in which I am now planning to go.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Progress Report
Learning to Drive - Oh my. I've only gone and booked my first driving lesson. My provisional licence arrived today and excited as I am it must be said I am terribly disappointed the DVLA felt the need to mess around with my photo. I clearly remember taking maximum permitted previews in the photo booth to ensure I didn't look too much like the back end of a bus. It might sound vain, but I have to live with the fact I am whatever the opposite of photogenic is.
So I made sure I sent the DVLA a reasonably acceptable photo. And they put it through some dehumanising process and now I am stuck with a licence that makes me looked like a photofit. With a wonky mouth. Pfft.
Then I had to book a lesson. Two recommended instructors fully booked until August so I had to get on the tinterweb. Although I desperately tried to convince myself that just because the website is bad doesn't mean the instructor is, it did take a while to find a company that pleased both my online aesthetics and my financial status. Finally found one that mentioned 'patient' quite a lot, which seemed perfect. I phoned, it rang, they answered. And I swear it was the photofit girl on the other end of the line. Greeted by a gruff " 'Ullo" I tried not to stutter as my brain screamed 'hang up, hang up, they'll never know who you are'. But I didn't. I am in persevering mode and just maybe my new driving instructor was having a bad day. I'll let you know next Friday.
Getting Thinner - Woop woop. Another 2lb thinner, so 13 stone 8lbs now. Celebrated with a home made burger and fries. With salad of course.
Considering a Career - Tried to call about career change job today (as I promised New Friend yesterday) but was told it had 'expired'. Whatever that means it probably means it's not the job for me. So I responded to a more my line of work role and phoned to enquire whether that the fact I am a PC wasn't a deal-breaker (I couldn't work out from the job listing whether 'PC/Mac literate' meant either or both). It wasn't a deal-breaker so CV will be wending its merry way in the next day or so. Depending on the sunshine.
Getting Out More - Little to report as I haven't been out since Sunday. Well, not out, socialising out anyway. But I have been out of the house on daily dog walks, trips to the shop and to post letters. And today I went on a bus for the second time in as many weeks. Buses are cleaner than I remember and It's quite interesting listening to schoolgirls talk about who they are going to punch next week.
Being Terribly Naughty - The reverse psychology seems to work. My good habits are beginning to feel normal. OK, so I still have the odd bitch-twitch tantrumette that I have to quell, but I a) spot them coming and b)feel good about ignoring them.
And I've been smiling for about 5 days now.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
So I made sure I sent the DVLA a reasonably acceptable photo. And they put it through some dehumanising process and now I am stuck with a licence that makes me looked like a photofit. With a wonky mouth. Pfft.
Then I had to book a lesson. Two recommended instructors fully booked until August so I had to get on the tinterweb. Although I desperately tried to convince myself that just because the website is bad doesn't mean the instructor is, it did take a while to find a company that pleased both my online aesthetics and my financial status. Finally found one that mentioned 'patient' quite a lot, which seemed perfect. I phoned, it rang, they answered. And I swear it was the photofit girl on the other end of the line. Greeted by a gruff " 'Ullo" I tried not to stutter as my brain screamed 'hang up, hang up, they'll never know who you are'. But I didn't. I am in persevering mode and just maybe my new driving instructor was having a bad day. I'll let you know next Friday.
Getting Thinner - Woop woop. Another 2lb thinner, so 13 stone 8lbs now. Celebrated with a home made burger and fries. With salad of course.
Considering a Career - Tried to call about career change job today (as I promised New Friend yesterday) but was told it had 'expired'. Whatever that means it probably means it's not the job for me. So I responded to a more my line of work role and phoned to enquire whether that the fact I am a PC wasn't a deal-breaker (I couldn't work out from the job listing whether 'PC/Mac literate' meant either or both). It wasn't a deal-breaker so CV will be wending its merry way in the next day or so. Depending on the sunshine.
Getting Out More - Little to report as I haven't been out since Sunday. Well, not out, socialising out anyway. But I have been out of the house on daily dog walks, trips to the shop and to post letters. And today I went on a bus for the second time in as many weeks. Buses are cleaner than I remember and It's quite interesting listening to schoolgirls talk about who they are going to punch next week.
Being Terribly Naughty - The reverse psychology seems to work. My good habits are beginning to feel normal. OK, so I still have the odd bitch-twitch tantrumette that I have to quell, but I a) spot them coming and b)feel good about ignoring them.
And I've been smiling for about 5 days now.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Provisions
I have heard it say that the Universe will provide. And it certainly came through for me today. The morning started bright enough at 5:50 am, so I had a lie in until 6:40 am before giving in to the big brown eyes and wet noses that surrounded me with their limitless enthusiasm for a morning walk. Glorious sunshine, birdsong and about 100 sweaty men were my reward. And having to pull some grass out of Bob's bum with a dock leaf.
On returning home, I could feel my positivity slipping and a little sadness overcoming me - probably because I was trawling through job sites in order to progress my Considering a Career - and I must confess, I lost the battle and went back to sleep. Because as I have said before, and felt it today, sometimes dreaming seems preferable to filling the hours with distractions.
Luckily though, when I awoke one and a half hours later it struck me that perhaps I had just been tired because the spring returned to my step. (Incidentally, a sleep cycle lasts one and a half hours so if you sleep in multiples of that then you won't feel groggy when you wake. In terms of a good night's sleep that means you will feel better for sleeping six hours than you will seven; or seven and a half rather than eight. Try it, works for me every time.)
So I zipped around, sorting paperwork, washing curtains, drinking coffee, dusting and generally being a domestic goddess while keeping half an eye on the Ivory Coast in the hope they would wup ruddy Portugal (because I still haven't forgiven Portugal for wupping Holland with a shed load of cheatin' last time around).
Now this blog may seem to be going nowhere, but you see, after a slow start, my faith returned enough to move me forward. Then The Lodger came home from work, bright and cheery and up for a beer and a chat. And only minutes later, H paid a surprise visit too. So my last hour of the working day was spent sitting in the sunshine, drinking sloe gin and lemonade and chatting, laughing and enjoying the company of two very lovely people.
As they departed, The Bear arrived home and whether tired or just not happy at being home, his mood wasn't exactly perky. In a previous life this would have bothered me into a mood myself, but not now. It is strange to observe oneself when undergoing behaviour changes, feels a little surreal and perversely interesting, but nonetheless he eased up and relaxed and we enjoyed a few laughs at my football punditry whilst watching Brazil and North Korea - I remarked on the Das Boot officer likeness way before Adrian Chiles mentioned it. Then I received a phone call from a New Friend.
New Friend revived me further with her chatter, enthusiasm and joy that is almost equal to that of BBGs in thrall of a potential walk. And so yes, as promised New Friend, I will be phoning to enquire about that job tomorrow.
You see folks, I stayed with the programme and Universe did provide. Some good dollops of unexpected friendship just when I needed it.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
On returning home, I could feel my positivity slipping and a little sadness overcoming me - probably because I was trawling through job sites in order to progress my Considering a Career - and I must confess, I lost the battle and went back to sleep. Because as I have said before, and felt it today, sometimes dreaming seems preferable to filling the hours with distractions.
Luckily though, when I awoke one and a half hours later it struck me that perhaps I had just been tired because the spring returned to my step. (Incidentally, a sleep cycle lasts one and a half hours so if you sleep in multiples of that then you won't feel groggy when you wake. In terms of a good night's sleep that means you will feel better for sleeping six hours than you will seven; or seven and a half rather than eight. Try it, works for me every time.)
So I zipped around, sorting paperwork, washing curtains, drinking coffee, dusting and generally being a domestic goddess while keeping half an eye on the Ivory Coast in the hope they would wup ruddy Portugal (because I still haven't forgiven Portugal for wupping Holland with a shed load of cheatin' last time around).
Now this blog may seem to be going nowhere, but you see, after a slow start, my faith returned enough to move me forward. Then The Lodger came home from work, bright and cheery and up for a beer and a chat. And only minutes later, H paid a surprise visit too. So my last hour of the working day was spent sitting in the sunshine, drinking sloe gin and lemonade and chatting, laughing and enjoying the company of two very lovely people.
As they departed, The Bear arrived home and whether tired or just not happy at being home, his mood wasn't exactly perky. In a previous life this would have bothered me into a mood myself, but not now. It is strange to observe oneself when undergoing behaviour changes, feels a little surreal and perversely interesting, but nonetheless he eased up and relaxed and we enjoyed a few laughs at my football punditry whilst watching Brazil and North Korea - I remarked on the Das Boot officer likeness way before Adrian Chiles mentioned it. Then I received a phone call from a New Friend.
New Friend revived me further with her chatter, enthusiasm and joy that is almost equal to that of BBGs in thrall of a potential walk. And so yes, as promised New Friend, I will be phoning to enquire about that job tomorrow.
You see folks, I stayed with the programme and Universe did provide. Some good dollops of unexpected friendship just when I needed it.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Monday, 14 June 2010
No Pain, No Gain
Today. Weird day. A weekday, no job, no money and all 'pity friends' - as Little Blister called them - are working. Non-pity friend (i.e. Bear) was also at home today as Holland played their first World Cup game. Draped in fruity coloured football paraphernalia and looking like a big Dutch satsuma sitting in the lounge, it was impossible not to take a photograph of him.
Photograph is now showing on Facebook, much to the delight of his recently-back-in-touch Dutch best friend who is excitedly posting messages to Bear at a rate most of us (except Little Blister of course) couldn't keep up with. Incidentally, this friend is the self-same 'best friend' who on our first introduction blanked me, because he thought I was 'stealing' Bear from him. Never mind that Bear was happy. Just the kind of best friend you need really.
Well 'Dutch best friend' (DBF) is undoubtedly concentrated joy at the thought I am discarded, so he has come sniffling back to his former playmate. And if I sound a little bitter, it's because I am. Well, annoyed at least. Annoyed at those kind of friends that make enemies unnecessary. I would never deliberately hurt Bear (even if I could) and feel awful that I have inadvertently done so at points in our journey together. Understandably in many ways, I am now paying the price. Yet DBF can behave like a right 'see you next Tuesday', be downright rude to Bear's new girlfriend, not contact Bear for years and yet not so much as a hint of a frown crosses Bear's face. I don't understand, does anyone else?
But I digress (I told you I did). Today's 2-0 victory for Holland did bring a smile to Bear's face and a few woop-woops could be heard throughout the game, yes, even above the incessant drone of the vuvuzelas. But then he did the ironing, which resulted in me wandering off for a football siesta and his general good humour dipping a little on my return an hour or so later. So to inject some more light entertainment into the day, Bear showed me how to do lunges (I did ask) ... and now my legs hurt (he kept that bit quiet).
However, I have completed a full set of exercises today - an hour walking the dogs; 10 x 4 biceps thingies; 10 x 4 bingo wing thingies; 10 x 4 crunches (crunchies would have been nicer) and 10 x 4 leg lifting thingies to work on the lower abdominals. But I only managed 3 x 5 lunges for thigh/bum toning and then discovered my legs didn't work properly.
Which makes me think, perhaps therein lies the reason why DBF didn't work properly on the friendship front ... no-one warned him about the bits that hurt.
Seems that exercise is good for the brain too.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Photograph is now showing on Facebook, much to the delight of his recently-back-in-touch Dutch best friend who is excitedly posting messages to Bear at a rate most of us (except Little Blister of course) couldn't keep up with. Incidentally, this friend is the self-same 'best friend' who on our first introduction blanked me, because he thought I was 'stealing' Bear from him. Never mind that Bear was happy. Just the kind of best friend you need really.
Well 'Dutch best friend' (DBF) is undoubtedly concentrated joy at the thought I am discarded, so he has come sniffling back to his former playmate. And if I sound a little bitter, it's because I am. Well, annoyed at least. Annoyed at those kind of friends that make enemies unnecessary. I would never deliberately hurt Bear (even if I could) and feel awful that I have inadvertently done so at points in our journey together. Understandably in many ways, I am now paying the price. Yet DBF can behave like a right 'see you next Tuesday', be downright rude to Bear's new girlfriend, not contact Bear for years and yet not so much as a hint of a frown crosses Bear's face. I don't understand, does anyone else?
But I digress (I told you I did). Today's 2-0 victory for Holland did bring a smile to Bear's face and a few woop-woops could be heard throughout the game, yes, even above the incessant drone of the vuvuzelas. But then he did the ironing, which resulted in me wandering off for a football siesta and his general good humour dipping a little on my return an hour or so later. So to inject some more light entertainment into the day, Bear showed me how to do lunges (I did ask) ... and now my legs hurt (he kept that bit quiet).
However, I have completed a full set of exercises today - an hour walking the dogs; 10 x 4 biceps thingies; 10 x 4 bingo wing thingies; 10 x 4 crunches (crunchies would have been nicer) and 10 x 4 leg lifting thingies to work on the lower abdominals. But I only managed 3 x 5 lunges for thigh/bum toning and then discovered my legs didn't work properly.
Which makes me think, perhaps therein lies the reason why DBF didn't work properly on the friendship front ... no-one warned him about the bits that hurt.
Seems that exercise is good for the brain too.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Sunday, 13 June 2010
Doh!
Getting Thinner - status update
Just a note for those as dumb as me ... BBQ's do not assist with thin thinking. Sausages are not brain food. Yes, I had some salad, but it only managed to manoeuvre itself into the position of accessory to Reggae Reggae steak, melted cheese and garlic mushrooms. So I won't be getting on the scales in the next few days.
Must eat sardines tomorrow as fishy penance.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Just a note for those as dumb as me ... BBQ's do not assist with thin thinking. Sausages are not brain food. Yes, I had some salad, but it only managed to manoeuvre itself into the position of accessory to Reggae Reggae steak, melted cheese and garlic mushrooms. So I won't be getting on the scales in the next few days.
Must eat sardines tomorrow as fishy penance.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
Saturday, 12 June 2010
Soap Story
For me, blogging is like eating Pringles. Once I start it's difficult to stop but sometimes the thought of starting makes me feel a little nauseous. Blogging doesn't actually make me feel sick, but it does sometimes make my stomach churn a little because I am never sure if I am going to write about things I might regret writing about. Like this for example. Love. Or rather, the dangers of the Love Bubble.
I am sure many of you know the feeling of being crazily in love (and for those of you who have yet to experience it, it does feel pretty good), when you and the chosen one are in total agreement that no-one else could love each other quite as much as you do. Nor could anyone else's love be as special/magical/intuitive/deep/ethereal/passionate/sublime/supernatural/destined/eternal as yours (delete as applicable).
And that enormous, crazy Love Bubble keeps you floating along merrily for quite some time. And even as time passes and merrily turns to comfortably, the Love Bubble memories sustain you. After all. Your love is special/magical/intuitive/deep/ethereal/passionate/sublime/supernatural/destined/eternal as yours (delete as applicable).
It is very hard to burst that Love Bubble, with it's shiny, sparkly and impenetrable skin. It takes something very unpleasant to burst it, to pop it in an instant and watch it disappear in a flash of disintegrating rainbow drops. I am sure your imagination can conjure up some thoroughly unpleasant scenario that just might do the trick, and I am equally sure that it can't happen to you and your chosen one because your love is special ... et cetera ... et cetera.
But now for the bad news. That enormous Love Bubble can shrink. Deflate. And so slowly, so imperceptibly you may not notice. Days, months and years can go by, and little by unnoticed little the Love Bubble lets out a sigh here and there, getting smaller and weaker every time you or your chosen one forget to breathe love into it. It might be forgetting a kind word, it might be forgetting to show you care, it just might be forgetting for a brief moment that the chosen one is the one you fell in love with. Each moment of forgetfulness or carelessness is one less breath of love for your bubble.
One day you wake up. One day the chosen one wakes up. And with horror it dawns that your Love Bubble is no longer what you remembered. You stare in disbelief at the sorry little soap sud at your feet and wonder who could do such a thing. Aha! It must be the chosen one's fault! They have been careless, they have been forgetful ... damn them, let battle commence.
So filled with bitterness, hurt and anger, the recriminations and pained silences begin. But wait for a moment, look a little harder. There is still a sorry little soap sud at your feet. A tiny little bubble, little more than a memory, devastated from its former glory and weakened through neglect. But still there. Waiting for someone to breathe love again.
This week, I will be mainly breathing.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
I am sure many of you know the feeling of being crazily in love (and for those of you who have yet to experience it, it does feel pretty good), when you and the chosen one are in total agreement that no-one else could love each other quite as much as you do. Nor could anyone else's love be as special/magical/intuitive/deep/ethereal/passionate/sublime/supernatural/destined/eternal as yours (delete as applicable).
And that enormous, crazy Love Bubble keeps you floating along merrily for quite some time. And even as time passes and merrily turns to comfortably, the Love Bubble memories sustain you. After all. Your love is special/magical/intuitive/deep/ethereal/passionate/sublime/supernatural/destined/eternal as yours (delete as applicable).
It is very hard to burst that Love Bubble, with it's shiny, sparkly and impenetrable skin. It takes something very unpleasant to burst it, to pop it in an instant and watch it disappear in a flash of disintegrating rainbow drops. I am sure your imagination can conjure up some thoroughly unpleasant scenario that just might do the trick, and I am equally sure that it can't happen to you and your chosen one because your love is special ... et cetera ... et cetera.
But now for the bad news. That enormous Love Bubble can shrink. Deflate. And so slowly, so imperceptibly you may not notice. Days, months and years can go by, and little by unnoticed little the Love Bubble lets out a sigh here and there, getting smaller and weaker every time you or your chosen one forget to breathe love into it. It might be forgetting a kind word, it might be forgetting to show you care, it just might be forgetting for a brief moment that the chosen one is the one you fell in love with. Each moment of forgetfulness or carelessness is one less breath of love for your bubble.
One day you wake up. One day the chosen one wakes up. And with horror it dawns that your Love Bubble is no longer what you remembered. You stare in disbelief at the sorry little soap sud at your feet and wonder who could do such a thing. Aha! It must be the chosen one's fault! They have been careless, they have been forgetful ... damn them, let battle commence.
So filled with bitterness, hurt and anger, the recriminations and pained silences begin. But wait for a moment, look a little harder. There is still a sorry little soap sud at your feet. A tiny little bubble, little more than a memory, devastated from its former glory and weakened through neglect. But still there. Waiting for someone to breathe love again.
This week, I will be mainly breathing.
Yours in hope and fear, AJ x
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