Birthday Measures

I know, I know - but not hanging head in shame. I have been hanging about in the bubble and quite frankly folks, after what I've been through in the past year I am bloody well entitled to hang about in aforementioned bubble for as long as I ruddy well like. Was kind of hoping I could stay in bubble mode until post-birthday ... head in sand approach to being another year older.

Even at the best of times birthdays have not been one of my favourite things. And after I reached the age when everything became legal I ceased to find anything desirable in being another year older. Only this year, I feel differently. Because this year I am grateful that I have the opportunity to grumble about my birthday, to grumble about being 43, to grumble about hating surprises, to grumble about the fuss. Because one very special woman in particular would have given her everything to see another year.

And I miss her terribly.

My dear, dear friend, Karen. The friend who has shared every birthday with me for over 30 years. Who always made a royal fuss, with ribbons and bows and thoughtful gifts. Who brushed aside my silly, maudlin, nonsense and got drunk with me and partied with me and danced with me and drank coffee with me and ate cake with me and who always made such a special effort to show how much she cared. That flaming haired heart of gold who on my last birthday - the one we both quietly suspected would be our last one to share - determinedly gave me yet more memories to hold on to.

Karen never failed me. Not when it counted. Not when it really, really mattered. She was a woman immovable in her loyalty, love and devotion ... not only to me but to all those who mattered to her. Missing her is so painful that all the other hurts I have written about don't even come close to equalling it. I am blessed to have had such a friend as Karen; the measure by which all friendships will be measured and one that no-one will ever measure up to.

Karen was certainly no angel, but my, how she tried. As we should all try. Try to measure up to such levels of loyalty, love and devotion for those we care about that they can never doubt us. To do so selflessly, in spite of flaws and imperfections, in spite of of petty squabbles, in spite of slights - be they real or imagined - and in spite of our own personal suffering. To do so fearlessly and, more importantly, to do so gratefully.

Grateful that we still have the opportunity to try - every day, every week, every month and every single year we are blessed with.

yours in hope & fear, AJ x